Danger = Shattered

    

       Josie over at Two Shoes in Texas has started a new writing game of sorts called Two Shoes Tuesday. The idea is that each Tuesday she will give us a word prompt then everyone who wishes to participate will write a story, poem, etc based off that one word. This week the word prompt was "Danger". 

For me danger can mean all sorts of different things, it can also take form as a dangerous person, or a dangerous place. As I was thinking of what to write for this topic it hit me...

I wrote this poem several years ago and for me this will always be synonymous with the word Danger. It is the word Danger that I teach my daughters to try and protect them from this... it is the word that was screaming in my head but I was powerless to utter. And Danger is also the word that went thru my head as I thought about posting this... Danger because of exposing so much of myself to anyone who may care to read... In the end I have obviously decided to share what "Danger" means to me....

          "Shattered"

In a dark room I was stripped of my pride.

You took from me what I did not want to give.

Now I have to fight on my own.

Fight the feelings of being alone.

Being the only one who knows.

My soul is torn,  My mind is confused.

I am no longer complete because you stole that from me.

Now you laugh behind my back,

Laugh at another conquest you have taken.

I have been stripped of sleep

All i see when I close my eyes is the cold look in yours.

You must have no soul.

I am forced away to a lonely place

You forced me to run away.

Now I live in constant fear

And even the Vicoden cant take away the pain.

My heart crys out silently for release,

Release from the constant darkness that surrounds me.

I struggle to see a light,

But when I reach for it,

My hands are slapped away.

I feel as though I am living in a cruel joke of a world.

In constant terror of meeting another person like you.

Always keeping to myself

Afraid of another intimate moment.

Everytime I feel that I can let it go,

Your face and that dark room creep into my mind.

How can someone care so little about anothers self respect?

You must have none of your own.

How can you sleep at night?

Do my tears and pleas never enter your mind?

How about the fear in my eyes?

It doesnt seem fair that i am the one who continues to suffer.

When I sleep, cold sweats and fear is what awakens me.

I can find no pleasure in life anymore,

Not even in the touch of someone who may truly care.

Every time I look in the mirror I am forced to see the image of a girl

A girl who was not strong enough to win.

Even now that I have run,

I will forever be forced to relive that night. 

Grandmas Shoes

Josie over at Two Shoes in Texas has started a new writing game of sorts called Two Shoes Tuesday. The idea is that each Tuesday she will give us a word prompt then everyone who wishes to participate will write a story, poem, etc based off that one word. This week the word prompt was.... Shoes! Here is my story...


As soon as I saw the word "shoes" the first thought that went thru my head was an image of my 2yr. old daughter sliding her tiny feet into my shoes and smiling in delight as she clomps across the kitchen floor. She likes to wear her big brothers shoes to, but they dont make as much noise as mommy's high heels! I think this must be a right of passage to all kids as I remember my middle daughter doing this, and on a couple occasions my son did as well.
I also have my own memories of doing this as a little girl. I did not wear my moms shoes, I knew better then that, there was not much room for fun at home growing up... But I wore my grandmothers.
I remember going to grandmas house and the first thing I couldnt wait to do was go into her bedroom, open her closet door and rummage around on the floor til I found the pair I wanted. I never chose the same pair, (she had more then enough to choose from) but to me it was the greatest thing in the world to be able to wear grown up shoes. I know that for a lot of little girls the fascination is part to do with the loud noises they can make on hard surfaces, but for me that was never the case... I was only allowed on the carpet!
For me it was more the feeling of being a real grown up lady, sometimes I went to work, sometimes I was on a date, and still others I was just a lady wearing her fancy shoes to do whatever she wanted in!
Not all my memories of my grandmother are very pleasant, grandma is a very mentally ill woman and she goes thru periods of times when she believes that all girls are evil (among lots of other issues) and as for 11 years I was her only granddaughter surrounded  by 9 grandsons, you can imagine who would suffer the most when that would happen. But this memory of grandmas shoes is one I will always hold in my heart. Those memories allow me to remember that deep in her heart she does love me and its only her mental disease that caused her to act the way she did on so many occasions.
 Unfortunately over the years grandma has gotten much worse and to protect my own daughters from being hurt they will never have the experience I did with her. But they have always been able to wear my shoes and they always will.