"Afraid"

So, I have been thinking about it and I decided I would start sharing some of my poems on here. I chose this one to share first because I feel it fits in well with what has been going on in my life. I have been sharing some of the issues I have been going thru with T, and the more I shared and the more I thought about it and how I felt, I was reminded if this poem I wrote 10 years ago. Yes, T has made mistakes, who hasnt? But I really think its more of my own insecurities that has made some of things bigger issues then they needed to be. Guess we both have things to work on, huh? :)

          

  “AFRAID”

Another conquest,
Another journey completed,
Another love known, and lost.
When will the insanity end?
When will I be done with the insecurities,
When will I learn to live life?

The hole that I have built continues to grow, 
And I, …I keep falling into that bottomless darkness,
The trap that I have set for myself.

I must enjoy the pain as I seem so willing to inflict it upon myself,
Yet when the tears fall,
I wonder what happened. 
What was wrong with this one?
Why did I not need him in my life?

But, my answer is always the same.
I DID need that Love, that soul,
But I was too afraid to hang on,
To afraid that HE would let go.

So, I continue to press on,
Always looking back,
Always regretting the past, but never changing the course.
I continue to roam,
Hiding like a Rose.

Seeming so beautiful and innocent,
So willing to be tamed.
But beneath all of that, 

Hiding many thorns,
Hiding what soon will be pain.
Many layers of scars,
Many tears unshed is soon what will be found.

And with that touch,
A new layer is formed,
One that will trust for a while,
One that yes, may even love.
But at the first sign of hurt,
Out come the thorns, the fragile insecurities.


I always feel myself to blame,
No matter the reason.
I was not good enough to make it thru,
Let me move on and try again.
Yet it always seems to happen the same way,
Time after time.

Now my time seems to be growing short.
Maybe now I can fill this void.
But, alas, it is not to happen.
I still lose on Love.
Why must I be so afraid to let it all go?
Why do I fear so?

My destiny seems so unclear,
My future so cloudy.
The colors all seem to run together.
What will I make of the rest of my life?
Will any of my dreams come to fruition?
Or am I always going to be,
Alone?

You are a disgusting ball of slime wax...

Who could be heartless enough to steal from a charity?? I have seen news stories about people who do shit like that all the time, but to actually experience it first hand has really made it hit home.
I am not happy about this, and I really hope Karma will get the spineless jack ass who did this.
Is your soul really worth the 15 bucks or so that you got? Did you get a rush out of stealing from the 2yr old with Leukemia? Or how about the single mom fighting breast cancer? Because in essence, that's what you did. You must be oh so big bad and tough to be able to pull something like that off, your mom must be so proud of you, lets hope that she never suffers from cancer because of assholes like you that decided the money went better into your pocket then to the cancer research it was supposed to help fund.
I firmly believe in this cause, that is why I am involved in it, and what you have done has royally pissed me off. You better pray to whatever God you believe in that I don't find out who you are because you will pay a very dear price if I do. I am not threatening physical violence, oh no, that would be to good for the likes of you. No, what I will do is take out a full page ad in the paper with your picture and an explanation of exactly what you did. And I think some posters printed up and plastered all over the town... and that's just the tip of the ice burg. I think forcing you to take a walk thru the pediatric cancer ward would be in order, just so you know exactly who you stole from.
You are the lowest form of slime I can imagine and the thought of you actually makes me want to vomit.

Inner Strength and Magic Wands

It occurs to me that I must have a lot more strength in my soul then I ever imagined possible. And a lot more stupidity as well. The last time T pulled this shit with me, I swore it would be the last. My heart felt as though it was coming out of my chest at the time, and I just knew that I would not be able to survive another heartbreak. Yet, here I sit tonight alive, breathing, and that fragile vessel of a heart is still beating strong. But I am also considering forgiving AGAIN. I don't know why, but there is still this part of me that wants to continue working on our relationship.
I have examined it from all angles I can think of, I have slept for a total of maybe 5 hours in the last 4 days and eaten 2 meals.... I have cried, I have yelled, I have cried, and I have most of all just been thinking. I have been in such a daze that I didnt even remember seeing a friend of mine, let alone talking to her for 20 minutes... But she swears to me I did. Seeing as how I have put in a full shift at work the last 3 days its probably a miracle I haven't done something there to get myself fired... I get into enough trouble without this haze in my brain.
I told T that this would be easier for me to handle if it had been a different woman every time. Not that I would be ok with it, but at least that way I would know that there was no emotional attachment involved, that he wasnt doing something with someone that I had specifically asked him not to do. I told him that every time he snuck (i dont care what you say stupid spell check, I am using snuck as a word! see? i will even do it twice!) behind my back to see her, talk to her or whatever, it was basically like him spitting in my face and saying, "I dont care how you feel. I dont care what this does to you, or how it hurts you. I am going to do what I want, when I want because she is more important to me then you are"
But yet I am still thinking of staying with him.
I have tried and tried to sort out my reasons. Yes, I love him. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone in my life other then my children. There is such good in him, and his capacity for caring about others has me in awe. Until it comes to this one issue. This one problem that seems to be at the root of all of our issues. But is that enough? Is that love really worth the heartache?
What else? Is it the money? He is not rich, but just having someone else here that earns a paycheck and helps pay the monthly bills has been such a relief to me as I have been doing it almost all on my own since my son was born 8 years ago.
I dismissed that idea almost as soon as I thought of it. I know I can take care of myself and my children, I have done it for a long time, I know I dont need his financial help.
So why...? Why am I even considering putting myself thru this? I dont understand. I have this voice screaming inside my head, telling me everything that I already know. That he isnt going to change. That he will never let this woman go. He still swears its no longer a physical relationship, that its just that they have been friends for 20 years and he doesnt want to lose one of the few friends he has....
So then I asked him how he felt about losing his girlfriend instead.... He didnt like that one to much.
Am I that afraid of being alone? I have been alone my entire life, why should that fear cripple me now?
No, I dont think its that either.
And I am back to the love. I love this man. The thought of not being with him anymore hurts more then any pain that he has put me thru, and I think honestly that the pain I have experienced because of his actions stems more from that fear, that he will leave me for her and not from what he has actually done.
Its all so confusing!! I just want to run naked thru the streets screaming until something clicks in my brain and makes sense agian.... Ok, maybe not the naked part, I just threw that in there because the mental image I gave myself with that made me smile and I havent smiled to much in the last few days...
I imagined myself screaming and running naked past my place of employment with a banner streaming behind me saying "This is what working here will do to you!!" and then I pictured the looks on my managers faces....
Wow, random. Maybe I better try and sleep... I have to work in the morning and dont feel like getting arrested for showing up with no pants on or something.
I really want that magic wand. *poof!* everything's all better now....

What the fuck is wrong with me??

How desperate for love and attention am I? Why do I keep allowing him to do this to me? Why do I keep forgiving him for the same thing over and over again? He obviously wants her and not me, so why is he here? He cant give her up no matter how much it hurts me, no matter how much I cry. He keeps claiming nothing physical happened, yet he went to her house and visited with her, and never told me. I found out secondhand 2 weeks later. Today. At work.
But did I come home and throw all his shit out? Did I beat him to a bloody pulp? Nope, not me. What do I do instead? I order pizza for dinner and since I know how much he loves the wings from this particular place, I order him a pound of their BBQ wings.
I am angry, pissed, upset, confused... Yet I feed the man. What the fuck is wrong in my head?? I know beyond all reason that I can never trust him again. That he has lied over and over and over to me... and all about the same woman.
But something inside me keeps forcing me to see the good parts about him. The parts of him that make me candle lit dinners, rubs my feet, makes me laugh, the parts of him that randomly will take one of my kids on an adventure and spend one on one time with each of them, going to a park or out to dinner, or to visit a lighthouse.
Then a month down the road he breaks my heart all over again. I can not fully blame him. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But what does it make you when you let the same person fool you 20 or 30 times? A complete fucking idiot?
I dont understand my head, I dont understand why I am doing this to myself.

The "Truth"

I have been in a really strange place these last few weeks. I am learning more and more about myself and the way my mind works... You would think that at almost 30 years old I would have that figured out by now, huh? But the truth is, I don't know. I know I am paranoid and overly emotional about everything, and I have this extreme fear of abandonment. I could never really figure out why, til I came across this website http://www.hereliesthetruth.com/ . If you go and check this out, (which if for some odd reason you want to know more about how my mind works, I suggest that you do...) You can watch all of the trailers, but number 3 is me. Obviously I don't mean literly as I am not a man, but the words he speaks could be coming straight from my mouth. Only, he said and expressed things that I didn't really understand for myself until I heard someone else saying them, and as he spoke tears started streaming down my face. I identified with all 6 people and the things they said, and every word they spoke is  accurate. I spent 19 years in that religion, so trust me, I know. The sad part is, my head is still so fucked up from things in my past that it is really hard for me to deal with any adversity now.
Ugh! My thoughts are getting all mixed up again and Im starting to not even make sense to myself... I will post this now, and anyone that cares to, go take a look, and we will go from there! Or I may just start another post all together and try to sort more things out in my oh so fucked up head....

Just one of those days...

I have been kind of absent for a while... Well, I have been here, lurking. Reading everything that people have written, I just haven't wanted to write myself.
Which is odd for me, I always write. Writing has always been my escape, my safe place to go. But lately there has just been so much going on in my life I think that quite frankly I didn't want to start for fear I wouldn't be able to stop.
And I know its not just me. Everyone around me seems to be on edge lately with no apparent reason. Maybe everyone is just afraid the world is going to end this year, so everyone just feels stressed out that they are all going to die... Or maybe everyone around me just needs to get laid , or go to a gym and beat on some poor unsuspecting punching bag. Whatever is going on, I just wish it would stop. Everyday I hear someone saying "Its just one of those days for me..." That phrase is really starting to annoy me. I think if I hear someone else say it, I may just go off on them and tell them "Its just one of those lives for me! Quit bitching and move on with your life!"
Although, in reality I am sure I have said that phrase myself a hundred times... I dont know why it bothers me so much now?
I saw something the other day on FB that said "if we all put our problems in a big pile, we would grab back our own as soon as we saw someone else's."...
I think that really hit home for me because I think it is so true.
Yes, I am dealing with a lot of bullshit right now, but who isn't? My issues are all of an emotional nature, either from present issues, or dealing with past bad memories, but the fact remains that I am healthy, I have 3 beautiful and for the most part healthy children. Even though I dont have a relationship to speak of with either one, both of my parents are still alive, my siblings are all alive except for one older brother that died as an infant and I never knew... Yes, there are far worse things in the world I could be dealing with or facing.
Yes, I know... We all have bad days and just want the world to have sympathy for us. Again, that is part of life, part of human nature. And I'm not saying that I will never again utter that phrase that so grates on my nerves right now... But I will say that the next time I am thinking about saying it, I am going to try to remember that somewhere out there someone is having a much worse day then I am and would be only to happy to have their biggest worry be a broken heart or a bad memory.

Jumble of thoughts...

I had someone tell me today that my middle daughter was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. What makes it hurt even more, is that the person who told me that was T. 

Now, I know that what he meant was more of the fact that I should have left my ex after the first pregnancy and the behavior my ex displayed during that, but that is most definitely not the way it came across. 

Now of course this has caused another rift in our relationship and I feel miserable. I am seriously beginning to wonder if we are just to different, have had to much adversity to overcome for our relationship to make it.  

A co worker has just gone thru a break up, one that surprised a lot of us I think, and even though this person is not someone I have ever gotten along with very well, my heart is absolutely breaking for her. She is not exactly a happy or nice person by nature, but now the pain and misery that is so apparent on her face make me just want to reach out to her even though I know that coming from me it wouldn't be welcome. But my heart just aches for her! 

I know it seems that I just switched topics, but I swear these 2 things are connected, at least in my head they are, and since its my blog thats all that matters, right?! 

The way they connect is the fact that this morning when I saw my co worker, tears just sprang to my eyes because of the look in hers. Then I saw myself in her shoes, and I know that if mine and T's relationship does not make it, I will have the same look on my face, and it just made my heart ache for her even more. 

I feel kind of like I am lost in the woods and my trail guide brought me as far in the middle as he could and then took off running and laughing with the only copy of the map. I dont want to lose T, but I am so tired of the fighting. Every time I think we are getting on track and things are finally starting to get better for us, one of us says or does something that upsets the other and it feels like we are back to square one. Me upset that I cant trust him, him upset that I am not an organized neat freak, etc, etc,... 

Excuse me? Can someone please slow down the merry go round? I would like to make my head stop spinning,....