Judgemental people suck.

Yes, I have a daughter that has never seen her father. Yes, I have 3 children by 2 different men. But I am so tired of being judged on this one set of facts.  I am sick of people who have a holier then thou attitude, when in reality given a different set of circumstances the situation that I find myself in life could really happen to anybody. I grew up in a VERY sheltered and strict home, and when I finally hit adulthood and ventured into the world on my own, I was very unprepared for what life was going to throw at me. I pretty much ended up hooking up with the first guy that showed any interest in me, and thought that he was just absolutely perfect. As I eluded to in my previous post, this was not the case and I learned that very quickly. Still, I stayed with him and took care of him, waiting on him hand and foot as I had been taught to do, and kept on hoping that things would change, that it would get better. They never did, but by the time I was finally able to get up the courage to get out I had already had 2 children with him. Then Dec. 31st, 2008. I had gone out to celebrate the New Year with a friend, and ended up waking up the next morning with no memory of where I was or how I got there. As events unfolded over the next few days, it was discovered that something had been slipped into my drink at the bar, after which 4 men took me back to their house. It doesn't take much imagination from there to realize what happened after that. In the few weeks that followed I was absolutely terrified to be alone or to go anywhere or do anything. I spent the majority of my time with a particular friend. Unfortunately one night this friend had to be at work and couldn't be there for me, so he sent another friend in his place. I didn't know this other friend as well, but it was someone I knew and it meant I wasn't alone. It didn't take long to realize his intentions were not pure of heart. He proceeded to take advantage of the situation and capitalized on my fear. He made advances and I kept trying to tell him no, he said "Why are you telling me no? You know that word doesn't mean anything!" And at that point in time I truly felt he was right. I wont say that he raped me, but he definitely took advantage of a bad time in my life. My brain was screaming for him to stop, but the screams, yells and tears in my brain somehow stayed there and never came out of my mouth.
3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I tearfully told my doctor the entire story, gave her the 2 possible conception dates, and she did an early fetal ultrasound to pin it down. The 2 dates were of course the 31st of Dec., and Jan 13th. After the ultrasound she told me the date of conception was determined to be around the 12th. In my mind that made it very clear as to who the father was, so I did what I felt was the right thing to do and went to him to tell him. His reaction of course was that the baby was not his, it couldn't be, etc, etc...
I could go on for a while with this story, but I think I have made my point. People want to judge, but they really don't know. They want to call me a slut or a whore and turn down their noses at me because I am so obviously beneath them. But what they don't know is that while I endured some pretty traumatic events in my life, I wouldn't change them because out of that came the 3 things I am most proud of in my life. I now have 3 very strong reasons for getting out of bed every morning and facing the challenges of life. I have 3 reasons to move on in my life, take the lessons learned and keep going.
So, if you want to call me names for that then go ahead. I wont lie and say that it doesn't hurt, but deep down I know I am better then that. I know that you don't really know me or my story, and maybe if you did it would change your mind... Maybe not. Some people just get off on sticking their noses in the air.

Questions with no answers

Why do people lie? Why do they cheat? I suppose if anyone had the real answer to this or a firm solution to the problem then I guess that person would be the world’s richest individual.

Some white lies are told and are considered acceptable to society, such as when you are planning a surprise party or something along those lines. It’s hard to surprise someone in a good way without a few lies or half-truths along the way, but where do you draw the line? How do you say this lie is OK, but that one’s not? Some people say it’s OK to lie if you’re just doing it to protect someone, but what if the lie you tell protects one person while hurting another? Is it still OK or acceptable?

I have all these questions running thru my head with no solid answers, and it’s very confusing. Along those same lines the other question I have racing thru my mind is “how many times do you forgive someone before you become the idiot, the doormat?”  The answer to that question in my case is directly tied to the answers to the previous questions. It’s a viscous cycle and one I just can’t seem to find the end too.  

No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you feel you need them in your life, there is still a limit, a line in the sand as to how much you can handle. And in all honesty, it’s different for each person. There is no one size fits all answer.  And it varies still from one situation to the next even with the same person.

For instance, in my first serious relationship… (Actually my only long term relationship other than the one I’m in now) I stayed with a man that I knew I shouldn’t be with for almost 6 years simply because I was afraid. I was afraid of him, but my bigger fear was being alone. At the time I didn’t recognize that, but I do now.  He played major mind games with my head and had me convinced that I was lucky to be with him, that no one else in this world would ever desire me, I was overweight, not pretty and if I ever left him I would be a single mom of 2 kids, not something anyone else would want. I finally found the strength to break away from that when I realized I was setting a terrible example for my children. I did not want my daughter to grow up believing it was OK for a man to treat her in the way that her father did me, and I didn’t want my son growing up thinking that the things his father did to his mother was an acceptable situation. 

I got out of that situation, but 4 years later I now I find myself in another relationship with a whole new set of issues. Now I know that you will have problems and issues in any relationship, but that kind of goes back to what I was saying earlier, every situation is different and you have to make the call on what you can deal with, if its worth it or not. 

I used to think that physical or mental abuse, or being cheated on was where i would always draw the line... little did i know! I have know endured and forgiven all 3. The first 2 with my children's father, and the last one in my current relationship. 

The man I am with now is for the most part a good guy. Aside from the lying and cheating, he treats me very well. Candle lit dinners, flowers, foot rubs... he cleans, cooks, shovels the snow and helps me take care of my children. Any woman's dream, right? But then you throw in that other one minor detail, and how that rips at my heart and it paints a whole new picture.                      

And with that, I am back to the questions above that I have been asking myself, and the cycle continues.                

Ive never done this blog thing before, but figured I would give it a try.
 Writing has always been my outlet for as long as I can remember, everything from a short poem or song, to about the first 5 chapters of a book that I still promise myself I will finish.         I always have a lot to say, even if no one else cares to listen; and it has been my experience that people will read just about anything as long as they find it on the Internet! I guess my thoughts on the matter are that if someone reads this, cool! If not, at least I know I have a place to go to get my thoughts out and if nothing else be my own sounding board.
Writing to me is very therapeutic, and for someone as overly emotional as me, that is priceless. People always tell me that I feel to much, and sometimes I agree and wish I can change. But most of the time I accept me for who I am, and wouldn't change. Feeling the things I do and having the emotions I have give me a unique perspective on life. I have talked to enough people to know that my view on the world and the people in it is not exactly the norm.
But I kinda like it that way!
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't really know what I will write here, it could be nothing, or it could be lots and lots of babbling, kind of like I'm doing now... but above all else it will always be crazy, emotional me!
Enjoy the ride if you care to join :)