You are a disgusting ball of slime wax...

Who could be heartless enough to steal from a charity?? I have seen news stories about people who do shit like that all the time, but to actually experience it first hand has really made it hit home.
I am not happy about this, and I really hope Karma will get the spineless jack ass who did this.
Is your soul really worth the 15 bucks or so that you got? Did you get a rush out of stealing from the 2yr old with Leukemia? Or how about the single mom fighting breast cancer? Because in essence, that's what you did. You must be oh so big bad and tough to be able to pull something like that off, your mom must be so proud of you, lets hope that she never suffers from cancer because of assholes like you that decided the money went better into your pocket then to the cancer research it was supposed to help fund.
I firmly believe in this cause, that is why I am involved in it, and what you have done has royally pissed me off. You better pray to whatever God you believe in that I don't find out who you are because you will pay a very dear price if I do. I am not threatening physical violence, oh no, that would be to good for the likes of you. No, what I will do is take out a full page ad in the paper with your picture and an explanation of exactly what you did. And I think some posters printed up and plastered all over the town... and that's just the tip of the ice burg. I think forcing you to take a walk thru the pediatric cancer ward would be in order, just so you know exactly who you stole from.
You are the lowest form of slime I can imagine and the thought of you actually makes me want to vomit.

Inner Strength and Magic Wands

It occurs to me that I must have a lot more strength in my soul then I ever imagined possible. And a lot more stupidity as well. The last time T pulled this shit with me, I swore it would be the last. My heart felt as though it was coming out of my chest at the time, and I just knew that I would not be able to survive another heartbreak. Yet, here I sit tonight alive, breathing, and that fragile vessel of a heart is still beating strong. But I am also considering forgiving AGAIN. I don't know why, but there is still this part of me that wants to continue working on our relationship.
I have examined it from all angles I can think of, I have slept for a total of maybe 5 hours in the last 4 days and eaten 2 meals.... I have cried, I have yelled, I have cried, and I have most of all just been thinking. I have been in such a daze that I didnt even remember seeing a friend of mine, let alone talking to her for 20 minutes... But she swears to me I did. Seeing as how I have put in a full shift at work the last 3 days its probably a miracle I haven't done something there to get myself fired... I get into enough trouble without this haze in my brain.
I told T that this would be easier for me to handle if it had been a different woman every time. Not that I would be ok with it, but at least that way I would know that there was no emotional attachment involved, that he wasnt doing something with someone that I had specifically asked him not to do. I told him that every time he snuck (i dont care what you say stupid spell check, I am using snuck as a word! see? i will even do it twice!) behind my back to see her, talk to her or whatever, it was basically like him spitting in my face and saying, "I dont care how you feel. I dont care what this does to you, or how it hurts you. I am going to do what I want, when I want because she is more important to me then you are"
But yet I am still thinking of staying with him.
I have tried and tried to sort out my reasons. Yes, I love him. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone in my life other then my children. There is such good in him, and his capacity for caring about others has me in awe. Until it comes to this one issue. This one problem that seems to be at the root of all of our issues. But is that enough? Is that love really worth the heartache?
What else? Is it the money? He is not rich, but just having someone else here that earns a paycheck and helps pay the monthly bills has been such a relief to me as I have been doing it almost all on my own since my son was born 8 years ago.
I dismissed that idea almost as soon as I thought of it. I know I can take care of myself and my children, I have done it for a long time, I know I dont need his financial help.
So why...? Why am I even considering putting myself thru this? I dont understand. I have this voice screaming inside my head, telling me everything that I already know. That he isnt going to change. That he will never let this woman go. He still swears its no longer a physical relationship, that its just that they have been friends for 20 years and he doesnt want to lose one of the few friends he has....
So then I asked him how he felt about losing his girlfriend instead.... He didnt like that one to much.
Am I that afraid of being alone? I have been alone my entire life, why should that fear cripple me now?
No, I dont think its that either.
And I am back to the love. I love this man. The thought of not being with him anymore hurts more then any pain that he has put me thru, and I think honestly that the pain I have experienced because of his actions stems more from that fear, that he will leave me for her and not from what he has actually done.
Its all so confusing!! I just want to run naked thru the streets screaming until something clicks in my brain and makes sense agian.... Ok, maybe not the naked part, I just threw that in there because the mental image I gave myself with that made me smile and I havent smiled to much in the last few days...
I imagined myself screaming and running naked past my place of employment with a banner streaming behind me saying "This is what working here will do to you!!" and then I pictured the looks on my managers faces....
Wow, random. Maybe I better try and sleep... I have to work in the morning and dont feel like getting arrested for showing up with no pants on or something.
I really want that magic wand. *poof!* everything's all better now....

What the fuck is wrong with me??

How desperate for love and attention am I? Why do I keep allowing him to do this to me? Why do I keep forgiving him for the same thing over and over again? He obviously wants her and not me, so why is he here? He cant give her up no matter how much it hurts me, no matter how much I cry. He keeps claiming nothing physical happened, yet he went to her house and visited with her, and never told me. I found out secondhand 2 weeks later. Today. At work.
But did I come home and throw all his shit out? Did I beat him to a bloody pulp? Nope, not me. What do I do instead? I order pizza for dinner and since I know how much he loves the wings from this particular place, I order him a pound of their BBQ wings.
I am angry, pissed, upset, confused... Yet I feed the man. What the fuck is wrong in my head?? I know beyond all reason that I can never trust him again. That he has lied over and over and over to me... and all about the same woman.
But something inside me keeps forcing me to see the good parts about him. The parts of him that make me candle lit dinners, rubs my feet, makes me laugh, the parts of him that randomly will take one of my kids on an adventure and spend one on one time with each of them, going to a park or out to dinner, or to visit a lighthouse.
Then a month down the road he breaks my heart all over again. I can not fully blame him. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But what does it make you when you let the same person fool you 20 or 30 times? A complete fucking idiot?
I dont understand my head, I dont understand why I am doing this to myself.

The "Truth"

I have been in a really strange place these last few weeks. I am learning more and more about myself and the way my mind works... You would think that at almost 30 years old I would have that figured out by now, huh? But the truth is, I don't know. I know I am paranoid and overly emotional about everything, and I have this extreme fear of abandonment. I could never really figure out why, til I came across this website http://www.hereliesthetruth.com/ . If you go and check this out, (which if for some odd reason you want to know more about how my mind works, I suggest that you do...) You can watch all of the trailers, but number 3 is me. Obviously I don't mean literly as I am not a man, but the words he speaks could be coming straight from my mouth. Only, he said and expressed things that I didn't really understand for myself until I heard someone else saying them, and as he spoke tears started streaming down my face. I identified with all 6 people and the things they said, and every word they spoke is  accurate. I spent 19 years in that religion, so trust me, I know. The sad part is, my head is still so fucked up from things in my past that it is really hard for me to deal with any adversity now.
Ugh! My thoughts are getting all mixed up again and Im starting to not even make sense to myself... I will post this now, and anyone that cares to, go take a look, and we will go from there! Or I may just start another post all together and try to sort more things out in my oh so fucked up head....

Just one of those days...

I have been kind of absent for a while... Well, I have been here, lurking. Reading everything that people have written, I just haven't wanted to write myself.
Which is odd for me, I always write. Writing has always been my escape, my safe place to go. But lately there has just been so much going on in my life I think that quite frankly I didn't want to start for fear I wouldn't be able to stop.
And I know its not just me. Everyone around me seems to be on edge lately with no apparent reason. Maybe everyone is just afraid the world is going to end this year, so everyone just feels stressed out that they are all going to die... Or maybe everyone around me just needs to get laid , or go to a gym and beat on some poor unsuspecting punching bag. Whatever is going on, I just wish it would stop. Everyday I hear someone saying "Its just one of those days for me..." That phrase is really starting to annoy me. I think if I hear someone else say it, I may just go off on them and tell them "Its just one of those lives for me! Quit bitching and move on with your life!"
Although, in reality I am sure I have said that phrase myself a hundred times... I dont know why it bothers me so much now?
I saw something the other day on FB that said "if we all put our problems in a big pile, we would grab back our own as soon as we saw someone else's."...
I think that really hit home for me because I think it is so true.
Yes, I am dealing with a lot of bullshit right now, but who isn't? My issues are all of an emotional nature, either from present issues, or dealing with past bad memories, but the fact remains that I am healthy, I have 3 beautiful and for the most part healthy children. Even though I dont have a relationship to speak of with either one, both of my parents are still alive, my siblings are all alive except for one older brother that died as an infant and I never knew... Yes, there are far worse things in the world I could be dealing with or facing.
Yes, I know... We all have bad days and just want the world to have sympathy for us. Again, that is part of life, part of human nature. And I'm not saying that I will never again utter that phrase that so grates on my nerves right now... But I will say that the next time I am thinking about saying it, I am going to try to remember that somewhere out there someone is having a much worse day then I am and would be only to happy to have their biggest worry be a broken heart or a bad memory.

Jumble of thoughts...

I had someone tell me today that my middle daughter was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. What makes it hurt even more, is that the person who told me that was T. 

Now, I know that what he meant was more of the fact that I should have left my ex after the first pregnancy and the behavior my ex displayed during that, but that is most definitely not the way it came across. 

Now of course this has caused another rift in our relationship and I feel miserable. I am seriously beginning to wonder if we are just to different, have had to much adversity to overcome for our relationship to make it.  

A co worker has just gone thru a break up, one that surprised a lot of us I think, and even though this person is not someone I have ever gotten along with very well, my heart is absolutely breaking for her. She is not exactly a happy or nice person by nature, but now the pain and misery that is so apparent on her face make me just want to reach out to her even though I know that coming from me it wouldn't be welcome. But my heart just aches for her! 

I know it seems that I just switched topics, but I swear these 2 things are connected, at least in my head they are, and since its my blog thats all that matters, right?! 

The way they connect is the fact that this morning when I saw my co worker, tears just sprang to my eyes because of the look in hers. Then I saw myself in her shoes, and I know that if mine and T's relationship does not make it, I will have the same look on my face, and it just made my heart ache for her even more. 

I feel kind of like I am lost in the woods and my trail guide brought me as far in the middle as he could and then took off running and laughing with the only copy of the map. I dont want to lose T, but I am so tired of the fighting. Every time I think we are getting on track and things are finally starting to get better for us, one of us says or does something that upsets the other and it feels like we are back to square one. Me upset that I cant trust him, him upset that I am not an organized neat freak, etc, etc,... 

Excuse me? Can someone please slow down the merry go round? I would like to make my head stop spinning,.... 

Our Story Part 2

So, at the end of my last post I realized I had kind of gotten off track of what I was originally writing about, but since I started the story, I thought maybe I would try and finish it tonight.
My story left off with me living in a 3 bedroom trailer in the middle of no where, with a 4 (almost 5) yr old, and a 3 1/2 yr old, with one on the way. I was working 3rd shift, and I was getting MAYBE 2 hours of sleep a day, if I was lucky. It was some rough, lonely times. After a few months of this T was starting to notice how withdrawn I was getting, how big the circles were under my eyes, and he noticed that I very rarely had a lunch at work, mostly because I couldn't afford it. I was to damn proud to go on state assistance, and of course the kids dad wasn't working, so no child support... (whoops, starting to head off in another direction again!) Anyway, T gave me his phone number and asked me to write mine down, said to text him if I ever needed someone to talk to. He started subtly giving me a lunch every day too,... "hey, I bought to much tonight, here, have some!"  When he found out how little I was sleeping, he suggested that I go out to my car on my lunch hours and nap, and he would call my cell to wake me when it was time. While this was an excellent idea, I was still pretty much scared of my own shadow at the time, and the thought of being alone in a dark parking lot did  not appeal to me. I didnt tell T this, but somehow he seemed to pick up on the fact that I was just scared, so he started a ritual... at least 2 nights a week we would go out for lunch, but he would just drive up and down the highway and let me sleep in his car. I will never forget the first time we did this,... It happened to be a night I was working and he was off, about 5 minutes before lunch time I got a text from him, it said to meet him outside. I was a little confused but curious, so I clocked out and came outside. He had me get in his car, pulled out a blanket from the back seat, handed it to me, and said "Now you can sleep. You will be just like a baby in a car-seat, I drive, you sleep."
We became closer every day, and I started telling him things that no one else knew. We would text all day long, and would talk every chance we got at work. At this point in time it was nothing more then friendship, and it was exactly what I needed. He was there and cared when no one else did.
Then I went on medical leave and had my daughter. T and I still texted, just not nearly as often and I of course wasnt at work so I didnt get to see him there. We both lived about a half hour from work at the time, but in opposite directions, so it wasnt like he could just drop by. I went thru another rough spell after my daughter was born, it brought back alot of things I had tried to bury deep down, esp when she was born looking so much like the jack ass of a sperm donor. It took a while for me to work thru things and to be able to connect with her. I suffered from a pretty bad case of post partum depression. I never wanted to hurt her, I just... I didnt want her. Even saying that now brings tears to my eyes as I cant imagine my life without her in it now, but I do remember what it felt like that first 8 months or so. It was actually T that helped me thru that as well once I got back to work. We picked up where we left off, and he was the only person I felt comfterble enough with to share the truth about my feelings regarding my daughter. He kept telling me that I was ok, that I wasnt a bad mom and it was understandable for me to feel the way I did after what had happened. He also told me that baby girl was here for a reason. That she was special in some way, and it was my job to take care of her to make sure she was able to fufill her reason for being here. Slowly but surely I was finally able to connect with and LOVE my daughter.
Wow... way off track again! I am supposed to be telling you about... wait, what did I start out telling you??
Oh yes! Good day... she texted him,... he told me,... trust issues,...cheating,... Got it!
SO... In March of 2010, T and I began having sex. It was still nothing more then a friendship, now with fringe benifits, and neither of us ever said or pretended it was otherwise. Due to other circumstances in our lives, we knew that we werent going to be a couple, and thats just the way it was. After a few months of this, I found out he was also sleeping with someone else. I wasnt mad, I didnt really have a claim on him, I just felt bad because he had a fwb relationship with this other woman for almost 7 years. If I had known about her, I never would have allowed us to go to that level. So I had a conversation with him about it and I told him if he wanted to keep sleeping with her that was fine with me, but that I was going to end our sexual relationship, I just wasnt into the shareing thing, no hard feelings, we would just go back to being just friends. Told him that it would be the same for me, if I had found someone else I would have ended it just to be fair to everyone involved. He told me that he understood where I was coming from, and he should have told me about this other lady sooner, he just really hadnt thought to much about it. But he said that he enjoyed our time together to much, and he would end it with her instead of with me. I said Cool!
Well, to give you a much shorter version of events (otherwise I will be up all night typing...) over the course of about a year he told me 3 times that he had ended it with her, and 3 times it was a lie. The first time I forgave since we werent really a couple, but then he said he had feelings for me which confused him, etc,... We started actually dateing around oct 2010... In Jan 11, I ended it because I found out by accident yet again that he had slept with this other woman again... he came to me in tears telling me he loved me, to please give him one more chance, he wanted so much to be with me, he knew he had made horrible horrible mistakes, and he was so sorry for hurting me... So, I forgave him. That was the 4th time. I swore it would be the last. The dynamics of our relationship had changed and I told him he needed to change with it. He agreed.
In April he came to me. Told me he hadnt been honest with me. That he had been doing alot of thinking and soul searching, really deciding what it was he wanted in his life, and he knew without a doubt now that it was me he wanted. He wanted us to start our life together, but before that could happen he said he knew he needed to tell me the truth. He told me that he hadnt ended in January as he had promised, that he had been to scared to. He has been friends with this woman for 20 years, and while he did not feel for her the same he felt for me, she was still a friend and he didnt know what to do to end the fwb while still keeping the friend. He told me that he finally ended it about a week before coming to me, and that as he feared she was mad and he was afraid he had lost his friend. But his bigger fear was losing me by finally telling me the truth, but he knew that the truth was going to be his only shot at keeping me.
I was stunned. After all the tears back in Jan, all the heartfelt words, and here was hitting me yet again. Not physically, but the pain in my chest sure felt like a sucker punch. I started crying and threw him out of my house. He texted and called me for the next 3 days, all of which I ignored. I just cried. But thru all of my tears, a realization hit me. All of the previous times I had found out by accident, either thru something he accidently said, or in one instance by recieving a text that was not ment for me.... But this time, this time he had come to me of his own free will to tell me. He willingly and purposely came to me with the truth. The more I thought about it, the more I saw the diffrences between this time and all the rest.
I finally let him come back over to the house, and we talked. We talked for almost 4 hours. I told him at the end of the conversation that if I was really what he wanted in his life he was going to have to prove it. That trust was non exisint in our relationship now, and anytime he went anywhere or did anything, or talked to anyone I was going to have doubts, I told him it was going to be a long hard road to earn even an ounce of trust back. He said he understood, and he was willing to try.
That was almost a year ago,... we have of course had our ups and downs, but we are still working on it. He continues to this day to be my best friend, lover and help mate. And he is trying. He still makes mistakes, but nothing that we havent worked thru, and he has been faithful to me since that day in April. I know you are probably thinking that I am wrong, and after all he did how could I possibly know that? And I will tell you, I know. He lied to me so many times, that I know when he is telling the truth now or trying to hide something. He has had several contacts with her, all of which he at first tried to hide, afraid of my reaction, but very quickly came out with the truth and told me. I have even contacted her myself and had several conversations with her,... foolishly hoping that we could all become friends or at least be civil to each other... but, yea, thats not going to happen... Which in all honesty is not something I can really blame on her, T is the one to blame in how he handled everything, but this is a fact he readilly admitts.
We have come a long way in our relationship, but there is still a ways to go. A lot of hurt and anger to work thru. But we are still working at it, and we are doing it together.
Obviously there is a lot more to my story, but I think this is more then enough for now! I think I have given enough back story that the next time I start talking about something, you might understand a little better of what Im trying to talk about... That is if you are still around after reading this novel!
Im thinking of selling my life story to someone from Days of our Lives...
(now to hit publish without re reading what I wrote, or even spell checking for fear I will lose my nerve!)