Danger = Shattered

    

       Josie over at Two Shoes in Texas has started a new writing game of sorts called Two Shoes Tuesday. The idea is that each Tuesday she will give us a word prompt then everyone who wishes to participate will write a story, poem, etc based off that one word. This week the word prompt was "Danger". 

For me danger can mean all sorts of different things, it can also take form as a dangerous person, or a dangerous place. As I was thinking of what to write for this topic it hit me...

I wrote this poem several years ago and for me this will always be synonymous with the word Danger. It is the word Danger that I teach my daughters to try and protect them from this... it is the word that was screaming in my head but I was powerless to utter. And Danger is also the word that went thru my head as I thought about posting this... Danger because of exposing so much of myself to anyone who may care to read... In the end I have obviously decided to share what "Danger" means to me....

          "Shattered"

In a dark room I was stripped of my pride.

You took from me what I did not want to give.

Now I have to fight on my own.

Fight the feelings of being alone.

Being the only one who knows.

My soul is torn,  My mind is confused.

I am no longer complete because you stole that from me.

Now you laugh behind my back,

Laugh at another conquest you have taken.

I have been stripped of sleep

All i see when I close my eyes is the cold look in yours.

You must have no soul.

I am forced away to a lonely place

You forced me to run away.

Now I live in constant fear

And even the Vicoden cant take away the pain.

My heart crys out silently for release,

Release from the constant darkness that surrounds me.

I struggle to see a light,

But when I reach for it,

My hands are slapped away.

I feel as though I am living in a cruel joke of a world.

In constant terror of meeting another person like you.

Always keeping to myself

Afraid of another intimate moment.

Everytime I feel that I can let it go,

Your face and that dark room creep into my mind.

How can someone care so little about anothers self respect?

You must have none of your own.

How can you sleep at night?

Do my tears and pleas never enter your mind?

How about the fear in my eyes?

It doesnt seem fair that i am the one who continues to suffer.

When I sleep, cold sweats and fear is what awakens me.

I can find no pleasure in life anymore,

Not even in the touch of someone who may truly care.

Every time I look in the mirror I am forced to see the image of a girl

A girl who was not strong enough to win.

Even now that I have run,

I will forever be forced to relive that night. 

Grandmas Shoes

Josie over at Two Shoes in Texas has started a new writing game of sorts called Two Shoes Tuesday. The idea is that each Tuesday she will give us a word prompt then everyone who wishes to participate will write a story, poem, etc based off that one word. This week the word prompt was.... Shoes! Here is my story...


As soon as I saw the word "shoes" the first thought that went thru my head was an image of my 2yr. old daughter sliding her tiny feet into my shoes and smiling in delight as she clomps across the kitchen floor. She likes to wear her big brothers shoes to, but they dont make as much noise as mommy's high heels! I think this must be a right of passage to all kids as I remember my middle daughter doing this, and on a couple occasions my son did as well.
I also have my own memories of doing this as a little girl. I did not wear my moms shoes, I knew better then that, there was not much room for fun at home growing up... But I wore my grandmothers.
I remember going to grandmas house and the first thing I couldnt wait to do was go into her bedroom, open her closet door and rummage around on the floor til I found the pair I wanted. I never chose the same pair, (she had more then enough to choose from) but to me it was the greatest thing in the world to be able to wear grown up shoes. I know that for a lot of little girls the fascination is part to do with the loud noises they can make on hard surfaces, but for me that was never the case... I was only allowed on the carpet!
For me it was more the feeling of being a real grown up lady, sometimes I went to work, sometimes I was on a date, and still others I was just a lady wearing her fancy shoes to do whatever she wanted in!
Not all my memories of my grandmother are very pleasant, grandma is a very mentally ill woman and she goes thru periods of times when she believes that all girls are evil (among lots of other issues) and as for 11 years I was her only granddaughter surrounded  by 9 grandsons, you can imagine who would suffer the most when that would happen. But this memory of grandmas shoes is one I will always hold in my heart. Those memories allow me to remember that deep in her heart she does love me and its only her mental disease that caused her to act the way she did on so many occasions.
 Unfortunately over the years grandma has gotten much worse and to protect my own daughters from being hurt they will never have the experience I did with her. But they have always been able to wear my shoes and they always will.

Lessons Learned....

I had a friend tell me the other day that he wants to slap the shit out of me... That he has been reading my blog and that I am the textbook spokesperson for every battered and cheated on woman. He really got me to thinking... (you know who you are!)
In a way, I think he's right. But I dont see myself leaving this situation. Im just not ready to. There is this big part of me that is telling me this is my last chance... That if this relationship fails, I will not find another I will be able to open my heart to.
(*Mindless rambling and change of topic to follow....*)
It has been very therapeutic and eye opening for me in writing here. It has allowed me in some ways to see myself thru other peoples eyes, to kind of take a step back from my situation and see from another point of view. And I have learned things about myself that I dont think I wanted to know. And apparently things that others didnt want to know either! (although, that is the name of the blog, you cant say you weren't warned...) I have lost some followers over the last month, and I am not ashamed to say it hurt my feelings a little. I know they arent people that I really knew all that well, or at all. But it was flattering to me that someone else was interested in what I had to say, that someone cared about what I had to say... But when you only have 8 followers, and you lose 3 very rapidly, it kind of hurts the ego! Makes me think I might be just as screwed up in the head that I sometimes fear I am! lol...
(*The End*)
Which brings me back to my original point... About how my friend sees my situation...
Like I said, I think he has a valid point. But at the same time, its another very good example of how you can never really know how you will behave or react in any given situation unless you are actually in it yourself. I have stood on the outside countless times and always cried out "why dont you just leave!" And i have actually carried some resentment in my heart towards my mother for never leaving my stepfather and allowing him to treat us the way he did. But I can see now that even though she was wrong, she probably really felt that she was doing the right things for her family.
I feel the same way right now. I am not yet ready to give up on my relationship with T... Not just yet. He is not a mean person or an abusive one,... Just a selfish one. Thinking only of his own wants and desires at times and not stopping to think about how that might hurt the person that truly loves him. But I still think there is hope for us. People make mistakes, and people can change. People can learn... While learning from your mistake the first time you make it is always ideal, we all know that doesnt always happen. How many of us didnt stop speeding the first time we got a speeding ticket? Or have burned our tongues more then once on a hot drink or bowl of soup? Yes, minor things in some ways, but still examples of how every single one of us or at least the majority of us has had to make the same mistake more then once before we learned our lesson.
I guess the question here is who is the one that has a lesson to learn? Myself or T, or maybe both of us?
Only time will tell....

"Afraid"

So, I have been thinking about it and I decided I would start sharing some of my poems on here. I chose this one to share first because I feel it fits in well with what has been going on in my life. I have been sharing some of the issues I have been going thru with T, and the more I shared and the more I thought about it and how I felt, I was reminded if this poem I wrote 10 years ago. Yes, T has made mistakes, who hasnt? But I really think its more of my own insecurities that has made some of things bigger issues then they needed to be. Guess we both have things to work on, huh? :)

          

  “AFRAID”

Another conquest,
Another journey completed,
Another love known, and lost.
When will the insanity end?
When will I be done with the insecurities,
When will I learn to live life?

The hole that I have built continues to grow, 
And I, …I keep falling into that bottomless darkness,
The trap that I have set for myself.

I must enjoy the pain as I seem so willing to inflict it upon myself,
Yet when the tears fall,
I wonder what happened. 
What was wrong with this one?
Why did I not need him in my life?

But, my answer is always the same.
I DID need that Love, that soul,
But I was too afraid to hang on,
To afraid that HE would let go.

So, I continue to press on,
Always looking back,
Always regretting the past, but never changing the course.
I continue to roam,
Hiding like a Rose.

Seeming so beautiful and innocent,
So willing to be tamed.
But beneath all of that, 

Hiding many thorns,
Hiding what soon will be pain.
Many layers of scars,
Many tears unshed is soon what will be found.

And with that touch,
A new layer is formed,
One that will trust for a while,
One that yes, may even love.
But at the first sign of hurt,
Out come the thorns, the fragile insecurities.


I always feel myself to blame,
No matter the reason.
I was not good enough to make it thru,
Let me move on and try again.
Yet it always seems to happen the same way,
Time after time.

Now my time seems to be growing short.
Maybe now I can fill this void.
But, alas, it is not to happen.
I still lose on Love.
Why must I be so afraid to let it all go?
Why do I fear so?

My destiny seems so unclear,
My future so cloudy.
The colors all seem to run together.
What will I make of the rest of my life?
Will any of my dreams come to fruition?
Or am I always going to be,
Alone?

You are a disgusting ball of slime wax...

Who could be heartless enough to steal from a charity?? I have seen news stories about people who do shit like that all the time, but to actually experience it first hand has really made it hit home.
I am not happy about this, and I really hope Karma will get the spineless jack ass who did this.
Is your soul really worth the 15 bucks or so that you got? Did you get a rush out of stealing from the 2yr old with Leukemia? Or how about the single mom fighting breast cancer? Because in essence, that's what you did. You must be oh so big bad and tough to be able to pull something like that off, your mom must be so proud of you, lets hope that she never suffers from cancer because of assholes like you that decided the money went better into your pocket then to the cancer research it was supposed to help fund.
I firmly believe in this cause, that is why I am involved in it, and what you have done has royally pissed me off. You better pray to whatever God you believe in that I don't find out who you are because you will pay a very dear price if I do. I am not threatening physical violence, oh no, that would be to good for the likes of you. No, what I will do is take out a full page ad in the paper with your picture and an explanation of exactly what you did. And I think some posters printed up and plastered all over the town... and that's just the tip of the ice burg. I think forcing you to take a walk thru the pediatric cancer ward would be in order, just so you know exactly who you stole from.
You are the lowest form of slime I can imagine and the thought of you actually makes me want to vomit.

Inner Strength and Magic Wands

It occurs to me that I must have a lot more strength in my soul then I ever imagined possible. And a lot more stupidity as well. The last time T pulled this shit with me, I swore it would be the last. My heart felt as though it was coming out of my chest at the time, and I just knew that I would not be able to survive another heartbreak. Yet, here I sit tonight alive, breathing, and that fragile vessel of a heart is still beating strong. But I am also considering forgiving AGAIN. I don't know why, but there is still this part of me that wants to continue working on our relationship.
I have examined it from all angles I can think of, I have slept for a total of maybe 5 hours in the last 4 days and eaten 2 meals.... I have cried, I have yelled, I have cried, and I have most of all just been thinking. I have been in such a daze that I didnt even remember seeing a friend of mine, let alone talking to her for 20 minutes... But she swears to me I did. Seeing as how I have put in a full shift at work the last 3 days its probably a miracle I haven't done something there to get myself fired... I get into enough trouble without this haze in my brain.
I told T that this would be easier for me to handle if it had been a different woman every time. Not that I would be ok with it, but at least that way I would know that there was no emotional attachment involved, that he wasnt doing something with someone that I had specifically asked him not to do. I told him that every time he snuck (i dont care what you say stupid spell check, I am using snuck as a word! see? i will even do it twice!) behind my back to see her, talk to her or whatever, it was basically like him spitting in my face and saying, "I dont care how you feel. I dont care what this does to you, or how it hurts you. I am going to do what I want, when I want because she is more important to me then you are"
But yet I am still thinking of staying with him.
I have tried and tried to sort out my reasons. Yes, I love him. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone in my life other then my children. There is such good in him, and his capacity for caring about others has me in awe. Until it comes to this one issue. This one problem that seems to be at the root of all of our issues. But is that enough? Is that love really worth the heartache?
What else? Is it the money? He is not rich, but just having someone else here that earns a paycheck and helps pay the monthly bills has been such a relief to me as I have been doing it almost all on my own since my son was born 8 years ago.
I dismissed that idea almost as soon as I thought of it. I know I can take care of myself and my children, I have done it for a long time, I know I dont need his financial help.
So why...? Why am I even considering putting myself thru this? I dont understand. I have this voice screaming inside my head, telling me everything that I already know. That he isnt going to change. That he will never let this woman go. He still swears its no longer a physical relationship, that its just that they have been friends for 20 years and he doesnt want to lose one of the few friends he has....
So then I asked him how he felt about losing his girlfriend instead.... He didnt like that one to much.
Am I that afraid of being alone? I have been alone my entire life, why should that fear cripple me now?
No, I dont think its that either.
And I am back to the love. I love this man. The thought of not being with him anymore hurts more then any pain that he has put me thru, and I think honestly that the pain I have experienced because of his actions stems more from that fear, that he will leave me for her and not from what he has actually done.
Its all so confusing!! I just want to run naked thru the streets screaming until something clicks in my brain and makes sense agian.... Ok, maybe not the naked part, I just threw that in there because the mental image I gave myself with that made me smile and I havent smiled to much in the last few days...
I imagined myself screaming and running naked past my place of employment with a banner streaming behind me saying "This is what working here will do to you!!" and then I pictured the looks on my managers faces....
Wow, random. Maybe I better try and sleep... I have to work in the morning and dont feel like getting arrested for showing up with no pants on or something.
I really want that magic wand. *poof!* everything's all better now....

What the fuck is wrong with me??

How desperate for love and attention am I? Why do I keep allowing him to do this to me? Why do I keep forgiving him for the same thing over and over again? He obviously wants her and not me, so why is he here? He cant give her up no matter how much it hurts me, no matter how much I cry. He keeps claiming nothing physical happened, yet he went to her house and visited with her, and never told me. I found out secondhand 2 weeks later. Today. At work.
But did I come home and throw all his shit out? Did I beat him to a bloody pulp? Nope, not me. What do I do instead? I order pizza for dinner and since I know how much he loves the wings from this particular place, I order him a pound of their BBQ wings.
I am angry, pissed, upset, confused... Yet I feed the man. What the fuck is wrong in my head?? I know beyond all reason that I can never trust him again. That he has lied over and over and over to me... and all about the same woman.
But something inside me keeps forcing me to see the good parts about him. The parts of him that make me candle lit dinners, rubs my feet, makes me laugh, the parts of him that randomly will take one of my kids on an adventure and spend one on one time with each of them, going to a park or out to dinner, or to visit a lighthouse.
Then a month down the road he breaks my heart all over again. I can not fully blame him. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But what does it make you when you let the same person fool you 20 or 30 times? A complete fucking idiot?
I dont understand my head, I dont understand why I am doing this to myself.