Monday, April 2, 2012

Jumble of thoughts...

I had someone tell me today that my middle daughter was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. What makes it hurt even more, is that the person who told me that was T. 
Now, I know that what he meant was more of the fact that I should have left my ex after the first pregnancy and the behavior my ex displayed during that, but that is most definitely not the way it came across. 
Now of course this has caused another rift in our relationship and I feel miserable. I am seriously beginning to wonder if we are just to different, have had to much adversity to overcome for our relationship to make it.  
A co worker has just gone thru a break up, one that surprised a lot of us I think, and even though this person is not someone I have ever gotten along with very well, my heart is absolutely breaking for her. She is not exactly a happy or nice person by nature, but now the pain and misery that is so apparent on her face make me just want to reach out to her even though I know that coming from me it wouldn't be welcome. But my heart just aches for her! 
I know it seems that I just switched topics, but I swear these 2 things are connected, at least in my head they are, and since its my blog thats all that matters, right?! 
The way they connect is the fact that this morning when I saw my co worker, tears just sprang to my eyes because of the look in hers. Then I saw myself in her shoes, and I know that if mine and T's relationship does not make it, I will have the same look on my face, and it just made my heart ache for her even more. 
I feel kind of like I am lost in the woods and my trail guide brought me as far in the middle as he could and then took off running and laughing with the only copy of the map. I dont want to lose T, but I am so tired of the fighting. Every time I think we are getting on track and things are finally starting to get better for us, one of us says or does something that upsets the other and it feels like we are back to square one. Me upset that I cant trust him, him upset that I am not an organized neat freak, etc, etc,... 
Excuse me? Can someone please slow down the merry go round? I would like to make my head stop spinning,....