So, apperently I am an insecurity and abandonment issues. Great, as if I didnt have enough emotional stress in my life! Although, I have to say that knowing this issues and having a clear set plan to face this is somewhat of a relief.
As I mentioned in my first post, I know I am an overly emotionl person. I literlly feel other peoples emotional pain, and I will cry with them or for them even if their situation has no effect or meaning in my personal life. But the insecurtity and abandonment issues are deeper and more involved then that.
Even though I run high on the emotion scale, it never goes down deep. I am afraid to let anyone to close or know to much about the real me. If I did, they would just end up leaving and leaving a bigger hole in my heart then was already there, right?
I dont know,... Maybe this stems from the fact that growing up I was never allowed to have friends. I was pulled out of school at 8yrs old by my stepfather, and he kept my 2 brothers and I at home to "homeschool" us. But his idea of homeschooling was basically just to keep us at home and keep us locked inside. We lived in a house that had almost an acre of fenced in backyard, but we still had to have his permission to go outside and play. The answer was almost always no, and when he did say yes, it was usually only for about 15 minutes before we had to come right back in. Well, thats true for my older brother and I. It was different for my little brother who was my stepfathers biological son. He pretty much got to do whatever and go wherever he wanted.
My point is, he never let anyone get close to anyone in our little dysfunctional family unless it was his own friends. I think he was afraid that if we had friends, we would talk to them and tell them the horrible things that happened to us. He was a very mentally abusive man and made sure that my brother and I knew we werent good for anything, that we were stupid, fat, etc... that we must have been bad kids because otherwise our Dad would have stuck around, but he only came around a couple times a year, so that should tell us something, right?
Maybe it wasnt all of that (and more).... Maybe its the fact that when I was 11 my dads best friend molested me,... and my dad remains friends with that man to this day. Said his friend has emotional problems and he needs to stand by him.... Hah!
Or maybe my issues came into play after my very failed relationship with my kids father?
Does anyone else see a pattern here? It just feels like everytime I pick myself up and say, "ouch, that hurt... but surely the next time someone will be there to break my fall"... it just hurts more the next time.
But, I dont like feeling that way. I dont like always sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to be happy. I want to show a good example to my children of a happy mom, not like what I saw growing up. I want to fix things and become a better stronger person for my experiences and not feel like a failure because of them.
I know have 4 followers on here, and I have to say that actually has given me a little ego boost! i never expected to get 1, let alone 4! But I thought, if i can openly admit my mental anguish and issues to 4 people (even if it is under the blanket of anonymity) that would be a big step in the right direction for me. Although, I have to say that when I sat down to write tonight, this is definitely not what I had in mind... I had planned on telling another story about my son... But all of these words came pouring out instead. I guess I needed to vent or something tonight...
Now I think I will hit publish before I chicken out and delete everything instead.....