Sunday, March 18, 2012

I think I may be a certifiable mental patient...

So, apperently I am an insecurity and abandonment issues. Great, as if I didnt have enough emotional stress in my life! Although, I have to say that knowing this issues and having a clear set plan to face this is somewhat of a relief.
As I mentioned in my first post, I know I am an overly emotionl person. I literlly feel other peoples emotional pain, and I will cry with them or for them even if their situation has no effect or meaning in my personal life. But the insecurtity and abandonment issues are deeper and more involved then that.
Even though I run high on the emotion scale, it never goes down deep. I am afraid to let anyone to close or know to much about the real me. If I did, they would just end up leaving and leaving a bigger hole in my heart then was already there, right?
I dont know,... Maybe this stems from the fact that growing up I was never allowed to have friends. I was pulled out of school at 8yrs old by my stepfather, and he kept my 2 brothers and I at home to "homeschool" us. But his idea of homeschooling was basically just to keep us at home and keep us locked inside. We lived in a house that had almost an acre of fenced in backyard, but we still had to have his permission to go outside and play. The answer was almost always no, and when he did say yes, it was usually only for about 15 minutes before we had to come right back in. Well, thats true for my older brother and I. It was different for my little brother who was my stepfathers biological son. He pretty much got to do whatever and go wherever he wanted.
My point is, he never let anyone get close to anyone in our little dysfunctional family unless it was his own friends. I think he was afraid that if we had friends, we would talk to them and tell them the horrible things that happened to us. He was a very mentally abusive man and made sure that my brother and I knew we werent good for anything, that we were stupid, fat, etc... that we must have been bad kids because otherwise our Dad would have stuck around, but he only came around a couple times a year, so that should tell us something, right?
Maybe it wasnt all of that (and more).... Maybe its the fact that when I was 11 my dads best friend molested me,... and my dad remains friends with that man to this day. Said his friend has emotional problems and he needs to stand by him.... Hah!
Or maybe my issues came into play after my very failed relationship with my kids father?
Does anyone else see a pattern here? It just feels like everytime I pick myself up and say, "ouch, that hurt... but surely the next time someone will be there to break my fall"... it just hurts more the next time.
But, I dont like feeling that way. I dont like always sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to be happy. I want to show a good example to my children of a happy mom, not like what I saw growing up. I want to fix things and become a better stronger person for my experiences and not feel like a failure because of  them.
I know have 4 followers on here, and I have to say that actually has given me a little ego boost! i never expected to get 1, let alone 4! But I thought, if i can openly admit my mental anguish and issues to 4 people (even if it is under the blanket of anonymity) that would be a big step in the right direction for me. Although, I have to say that when I sat down to write tonight, this is definitely not what I had in mind... I had planned on telling another story about my son... But all of these words came pouring out instead. I guess I needed to vent or something tonight...
Now I think I will hit publish before I chicken out and delete everything instead.....


  1. Just keep writing. For me, it's the best form of therapy I have. The bravest thing you do is hitting that publish button every time and not going back and hitting that delete key before you do it.

    Don't worry what we think. We may not know you from the million other people on the internet...but, that doesn't mean we don't care about you. We follow your journey because we CARE about you. You're not alone.

    We are here and we are listening. You've seen what crazy, mixed up stuff I write about! And, if you really want to see the mess in my head - go back to the very beginning of my blog - I mean the first few posts...WOW - what a mess I was. But, blogging and therapy got me through...

    Wishing you the best and hang in there. You and your kids deserve it.

    1. Thank you L. Your response moved me to tears and made me feel a little bit better about what I wrote. And I think your right, writing about things is a wonderful form of therapy...yesterday was the most relaxed and happy day I remember having in a long time. Even when there was an issue at work that normally would have had me worried and upset occured, I just delt with it and moved on without a second thought. I hadnt felt that relaxed in a VERY long time.
      Thank you for being here and for being so open with what has/is happening to you. Not that I would wish bad things on anybody, but at the same time it helps to know you arent alone in the trials you face, that there is someone out there who understands and can empithize with you.
      Thank you L.

  2. I agree with L. Write write write. It helps me too. Here you are processing some of the most intense emotions we can feel. No judgement on that!

  3. Now you have five followers!! :-) I saw your comment on my friend Ranting Monkey's post and decided to come find out who the new kid in town was. You write very much like I once did when my life was really hard, using the keyboard to let all that hurt and pain finally come out into the daylight... and I assure you that's the best therapy money can't buy, along with sincerely caring people you will find here! There was a point in my life about five years ago that the ONLY thing that kept me alive was the caring and encouragment of my blogging friends, people I'd never even met, but who know far more about me than anyone else, and actually seemed to think I wasn't all that bad or crazy! I don't think you are either of those things either. I also know what it feels like to have your heart broken so many times by life that you don't think there's enough superglue in the world to paste it back together again. When bad things weren't happening I was cowered in the corner knowing that something dark had to be lurking just around the corner, and often it seemed it was. I am a survivor story and I'm here to tell you that no matter how you feel about yourself and life right now, THINGS CHANGE IN WAYS YOU NEVER EXPECT... GOOD WAYS!! Amazing things have happened in my life that I couldn't have dreamed of and that I wouldn't have experienced if I had decided not to stick around to find out! Life is hard for sure, and it sounds like you had one hell of a childhood. There are many more like you, and even that can't keep you from having a life that is good and healthy and loving, a life that you wake up to in the morning and smile! The very cool thing about blogging is it's anonymity, you can share your heart here and won't have it come back in your face the next time you run into someone downtown. You've already bumped into some supportive, caring folks, and I assure you that's not an accident. God (by whatever name you call it) tends to put people in our life in just the right places to help us on the journey. I'm happy to meet you here and look forward to reading more of what you write. Feel free to drop by my place and comment anytime. And oh yeah, I'm an old woman now, it's taken me 50 years to get my shit together, so hang in there, you have plenty of time to figure it all out! :-)) HUGS, Josie Two Shoes

    1. Oh crap, I really didn't mean to go on and on, just had to say the things that were in my heart. I promise not to blog this much on your blog... very often anyway! :-)

    2. You shouldnt make promises I dont want you to keep! :) Your comment made me laugh, cry, and made me feel not so alone, and like there really is people out there who know what it feels like, and who care! It really makes me wish I would have explored this wonderful world of blogging so much sooner. I have always been a writer, but up til now no one has ever really read anything I wrote. It was just for me. To now write about how I feel, to have others read that, and to get such wonderful feedback and understanding in return is a feeling I can not describe. Thank you Josie, and I am very honored to have you here!

    3. It is my pleasure to visit here, I see so much of myself in you! I think I would worry more about your sanity if you didn't have some issues and baggage from your past. My God, it wasn't easy, it was hell! The thing I want you always to remember is that your past doesn't have to define your present. Have you read "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer and his follow-up books about his life? If not, do!! He can show you that one can overcome anything if they are determined. You are a survivor and that takes more strength and courage than even you realize you have! Life, love, and bloom into the beautiful person you were intended to be!

    4. If you are comfortable with it, please send me an email address where I can reach you. Mine is