Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Our Story Part 1

We had a good day yesterday! That is quite remarkable given what happened first thing in the morning... SHE sent him a text yesterday. But what made it a good day is the fact that as soon as he recieved that text he told me about it, and he didnt reply to her. How do I know? Because he promised me he wouldnt.... Well, that and the fact that last night I couldnt help myself and found myself looking thru his phone while he was in the shower.... (this is the last time, really!)
The fact that he actually told me immediatley about it is a huge step. In the past he has always tried to hide it when they have had contact, which he says he does because he doesnt want to hurt me. That the sexual part of their relationship is over, but they have been friends for so long and he just didnt want to cut that tie...
Maybe I should give a touch more background?
Our relationship started a little over 2 years ago, we had been friends for about 7 years, not close friends, but we did talk and have lunch together every now and then. It was while I was pregnant with my youngest that T and I got closer. It was the lowest most lonely point I have ever been. I was literlly living in the middle of no where, starting over yet again and completely alone other then my children. My childrens father had moved out of state for a job, and since mine easily transferred, even though we were no longer together, I moved as well so that our kids had both of us. We lived out there for a year, and I was starting to build a new life for myself, met new people, made friends, even got a boyfriend. For the first time that I could remember I was happy. Til one day my kids dad walked off his job. He was a manager at the farm he was working at, and just up and quit. He took our children that weekend back to our home state to visit his parents, and I figured that he just needed a mini vacation and when they came back he would either go back to his job or hit the pavement and find a new one. Looking back, I wonder how I could have been so blind....
I got the phone call 3 days after they had left. He told me he was moving back in with his parents, and he was not bringing the kids back. My heart sunk.
I dont think I can describe the mix of emotions and fear that went thru my body. I was about 4 months pregnant with my daughter, and was still dealing with the situatution surrounding her conception. At that time I was looking into giving her up for adoption as I didnt think I would be able to raise her and look at her, every day being reminded of what had happened...
My doctor, my friends, my boyfriend.... everything I was building was there in Wis,... and my children were in another state. Now, I had 2 choices. Stay where I was and put my children thru and interstate custody battle, or move back. The paternity papers their dad signed when each of them were born gave me physical custody in our home state, so the choice was basically made for me... no one was going to keep my kids from me, so I left everything else behind and came after them. I know thats what he wanted. He couldnt stand the fact that I was happy and moving on with my life, and farther and farther away from him, so he did what he could do to upset that balance I had found. Even knowing what he was doing didnt help me do anything to stop it. I had so much going on at that time I just didnt have anything left to fight with. And even if I did, I just didnt feel that what it would have put my kids thru was worth it.
Within a week I packed up my house, transferred my job back and found a cheap 3 bedroom trailer that I was able to move into right away, and I got my kids.
The only position available for my transfer back was a 3rd shift job. So, I was a pregnant single mom, working a full time job at night. I didnt sleep, didnt have friends, didnt go anywhere or do anything other then work and take care of my kids. When I say I was at the lowest most lonely point in my life, I wasnt kidding. I went from my highest high, to my lowest low in a matter of weeks.

Wow... I went a lot farther back then I intended and have totally lost what I first started talking about...

Let me regroup my thoughts and come back tomorrow!



6 comments:

  1. This has nothing to do with your story, you just reminded me of how my wife tells stories. I'm going to have to blog about that sometime.

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    1. LOL i'm glad to know I'm not the only one!

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  2. That happens to me all the time when I blog, I start out in one place with one thought and then before I know it, I'm somewhere else. I think it's good to get it all out.

    As for this part:

    "How do I know? Because he promised me he wouldnt.... Well, that and the fact that last night I couldnt help myself and found myself looking thru his phone while he was in the shower.... (this is the last time, really!)"

    I saw myself in this. I used to be the same way too. Always checking my husband's email accounts, his computer...promising myself this was the last time...I understand.

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    1. I used to do it on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day,... I would look at his texts, his phone calls, and would even go in to his recent contacts just to make sure he hadn't deleted anything. Mon night is the first time i have done it in about 2 weeks, and I was happy to see he had been telling the truth, but mad at myself for giving in to my fears and looking. I knew in my heart he wasn't lying, but I just had to prove it to myself.
      It is so wonderful to come here and know I have a place to talk and get things out where people understand what I'm going thru and dont judge me. Thanks L! :)

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    2. Thank you for the background, I know it's hard to write that all out, but sharing it can be very freeing too. This is a safeplace to share your fears and frustrations and days of victory like this one when he told you and you found no evidence of lies. I know when that happens it gives you a bit more trust and hope for the future. Little by little you will find the courage to stop hunting. Trust is a fragile thing and it takes a long, long time to heal!

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  3. I will never ever judge you. Again, my story is so very different than yours, but, because of the hell I went through, it made me have an appreciation and understanding for other people and their circumstances.

    Be sure and not to be hard on yourself if you sneak and peek - it's a normal response and in return, he should be an open book. No secrets should be kept from you. Period. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

    Take care.

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