So, at the end of my last post I realized I had kind of gotten off track of what I was originally writing about, but since I started the story, I thought maybe I would try and finish it tonight.
My story left off with me living in a 3 bedroom trailer in the middle of no where, with a 4 (almost 5) yr old, and a 3 1/2 yr old, with one on the way. I was working 3rd shift, and I was getting MAYBE 2 hours of sleep a day, if I was lucky. It was some rough, lonely times. After a few months of this T was starting to notice how withdrawn I was getting, how big the circles were under my eyes, and he noticed that I very rarely had a lunch at work, mostly because I couldn't afford it. I was to damn proud to go on state assistance, and of course the kids dad wasn't working, so no child support... (whoops, starting to head off in another direction again!) Anyway, T gave me his phone number and asked me to write mine down, said to text him if I ever needed someone to talk to. He started subtly giving me a lunch every day too,... "hey, I bought to much tonight, here, have some!" When he found out how little I was sleeping, he suggested that I go out to my car on my lunch hours and nap, and he would call my cell to wake me when it was time. While this was an excellent idea, I was still pretty much scared of my own shadow at the time, and the thought of being alone in a dark parking lot did not appeal to me. I didnt tell T this, but somehow he seemed to pick up on the fact that I was just scared, so he started a ritual... at least 2 nights a week we would go out for lunch, but he would just drive up and down the highway and let me sleep in his car. I will never forget the first time we did this,... It happened to be a night I was working and he was off, about 5 minutes before lunch time I got a text from him, it said to meet him outside. I was a little confused but curious, so I clocked out and came outside. He had me get in his car, pulled out a blanket from the back seat, handed it to me, and said "Now you can sleep. You will be just like a baby in a car-seat, I drive, you sleep."
We became closer every day, and I started telling him things that no one else knew. We would text all day long, and would talk every chance we got at work. At this point in time it was nothing more then friendship, and it was exactly what I needed. He was there and cared when no one else did.
Then I went on medical leave and had my daughter. T and I still texted, just not nearly as often and I of course wasnt at work so I didnt get to see him there. We both lived about a half hour from work at the time, but in opposite directions, so it wasnt like he could just drop by. I went thru another rough spell after my daughter was born, it brought back alot of things I had tried to bury deep down, esp when she was born looking so much like the jack ass of a sperm donor. It took a while for me to work thru things and to be able to connect with her. I suffered from a pretty bad case of post partum depression. I never wanted to hurt her, I just... I didnt want her. Even saying that now brings tears to my eyes as I cant imagine my life without her in it now, but I do remember what it felt like that first 8 months or so. It was actually T that helped me thru that as well once I got back to work. We picked up where we left off, and he was the only person I felt comfterble enough with to share the truth about my feelings regarding my daughter. He kept telling me that I was ok, that I wasnt a bad mom and it was understandable for me to feel the way I did after what had happened. He also told me that baby girl was here for a reason. That she was special in some way, and it was my job to take care of her to make sure she was able to fufill her reason for being here. Slowly but surely I was finally able to connect with and LOVE my daughter.
Wow... way off track again! I am supposed to be telling you about... wait, what did I start out telling you??
Oh yes! Good day... she texted him,... he told me,... trust issues,...cheating,... Got it!
SO... In March of 2010, T and I began having sex. It was still nothing more then a friendship, now with fringe benifits, and neither of us ever said or pretended it was otherwise. Due to other circumstances in our lives, we knew that we werent going to be a couple, and thats just the way it was. After a few months of this, I found out he was also sleeping with someone else. I wasnt mad, I didnt really have a claim on him, I just felt bad because he had a fwb relationship with this other woman for almost 7 years. If I had known about her, I never would have allowed us to go to that level. So I had a conversation with him about it and I told him if he wanted to keep sleeping with her that was fine with me, but that I was going to end our sexual relationship, I just wasnt into the shareing thing, no hard feelings, we would just go back to being just friends. Told him that it would be the same for me, if I had found someone else I would have ended it just to be fair to everyone involved. He told me that he understood where I was coming from, and he should have told me about this other lady sooner, he just really hadnt thought to much about it. But he said that he enjoyed our time together to much, and he would end it with her instead of with me. I said Cool!
Well, to give you a much shorter version of events (otherwise I will be up all night typing...) over the course of about a year he told me 3 times that he had ended it with her, and 3 times it was a lie. The first time I forgave since we werent really a couple, but then he said he had feelings for me which confused him, etc,... We started actually dateing around oct 2010... In Jan 11, I ended it because I found out by accident yet again that he had slept with this other woman again... he came to me in tears telling me he loved me, to please give him one more chance, he wanted so much to be with me, he knew he had made horrible horrible mistakes, and he was so sorry for hurting me... So, I forgave him. That was the 4th time. I swore it would be the last. The dynamics of our relationship had changed and I told him he needed to change with it. He agreed.
In April he came to me. Told me he hadnt been honest with me. That he had been doing alot of thinking and soul searching, really deciding what it was he wanted in his life, and he knew without a doubt now that it was me he wanted. He wanted us to start our life together, but before that could happen he said he knew he needed to tell me the truth. He told me that he hadnt ended in January as he had promised, that he had been to scared to. He has been friends with this woman for 20 years, and while he did not feel for her the same he felt for me, she was still a friend and he didnt know what to do to end the fwb while still keeping the friend. He told me that he finally ended it about a week before coming to me, and that as he feared she was mad and he was afraid he had lost his friend. But his bigger fear was losing me by finally telling me the truth, but he knew that the truth was going to be his only shot at keeping me.
I was stunned. After all the tears back in Jan, all the heartfelt words, and here was hitting me yet again. Not physically, but the pain in my chest sure felt like a sucker punch. I started crying and threw him out of my house. He texted and called me for the next 3 days, all of which I ignored. I just cried. But thru all of my tears, a realization hit me. All of the previous times I had found out by accident, either thru something he accidently said, or in one instance by recieving a text that was not ment for me.... But this time, this time he had come to me of his own free will to tell me. He willingly and purposely came to me with the truth. The more I thought about it, the more I saw the diffrences between this time and all the rest.
I finally let him come back over to the house, and we talked. We talked for almost 4 hours. I told him at the end of the conversation that if I was really what he wanted in his life he was going to have to prove it. That trust was non exisint in our relationship now, and anytime he went anywhere or did anything, or talked to anyone I was going to have doubts, I told him it was going to be a long hard road to earn even an ounce of trust back. He said he understood, and he was willing to try.
That was almost a year ago,... we have of course had our ups and downs, but we are still working on it. He continues to this day to be my best friend, lover and help mate. And he is trying. He still makes mistakes, but nothing that we havent worked thru, and he has been faithful to me since that day in April. I know you are probably thinking that I am wrong, and after all he did how could I possibly know that? And I will tell you, I know. He lied to me so many times, that I know when he is telling the truth now or trying to hide something. He has had several contacts with her, all of which he at first tried to hide, afraid of my reaction, but very quickly came out with the truth and told me. I have even contacted her myself and had several conversations with her,... foolishly hoping that we could all become friends or at least be civil to each other... but, yea, thats not going to happen... Which in all honesty is not something I can really blame on her, T is the one to blame in how he handled everything, but this is a fact he readilly admitts.
We have come a long way in our relationship, but there is still a ways to go. A lot of hurt and anger to work thru. But we are still working at it, and we are doing it together.
Obviously there is a lot more to my story, but I think this is more then enough for now! I think I have given enough back story that the next time I start talking about something, you might understand a little better of what Im trying to talk about... That is if you are still around after reading this novel!
Im thinking of selling my life story to someone from Days of our Lives...
(now to hit publish without re reading what I wrote, or even spell checking for fear I will lose my nerve!)