Thursday, May 24, 2012

The "Truth"

I have been in a really strange place these last few weeks. I am learning more and more about myself and the way my mind works... You would think that at almost 30 years old I would have that figured out by now, huh? But the truth is, I don't know. I know I am paranoid and overly emotional about everything, and I have this extreme fear of abandonment. I could never really figure out why, til I came across this website . If you go and check this out, (which if for some odd reason you want to know more about how my mind works, I suggest that you do...) You can watch all of the trailers, but number 3 is me. Obviously I don't mean literly as I am not a man, but the words he speaks could be coming straight from my mouth. Only, he said and expressed things that I didn't really understand for myself until I heard someone else saying them, and as he spoke tears started streaming down my face. I identified with all 6 people and the things they said, and every word they spoke is  accurate. I spent 19 years in that religion, so trust me, I know. The sad part is, my head is still so fucked up from things in my past that it is really hard for me to deal with any adversity now.
Ugh! My thoughts are getting all mixed up again and Im starting to not even make sense to myself... I will post this now, and anyone that cares to, go take a look, and we will go from there! Or I may just start another post all together and try to sort more things out in my oh so fucked up head....

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Just one of those days...

I have been kind of absent for a while... Well, I have been here, lurking. Reading everything that people have written, I just haven't wanted to write myself.
Which is odd for me, I always write. Writing has always been my escape, my safe place to go. But lately there has just been so much going on in my life I think that quite frankly I didn't want to start for fear I wouldn't be able to stop.
And I know its not just me. Everyone around me seems to be on edge lately with no apparent reason. Maybe everyone is just afraid the world is going to end this year, so everyone just feels stressed out that they are all going to die... Or maybe everyone around me just needs to get laid , or go to a gym and beat on some poor unsuspecting punching bag. Whatever is going on, I just wish it would stop. Everyday I hear someone saying "Its just one of those days for me..." That phrase is really starting to annoy me. I think if I hear someone else say it, I may just go off on them and tell them "Its just one of those lives for me! Quit bitching and move on with your life!"
Although, in reality I am sure I have said that phrase myself a hundred times... I dont know why it bothers me so much now?
I saw something the other day on FB that said "if we all put our problems in a big pile, we would grab back our own as soon as we saw someone else's."...
I think that really hit home for me because I think it is so true.
Yes, I am dealing with a lot of bullshit right now, but who isn't? My issues are all of an emotional nature, either from present issues, or dealing with past bad memories, but the fact remains that I am healthy, I have 3 beautiful and for the most part healthy children. Even though I dont have a relationship to speak of with either one, both of my parents are still alive, my siblings are all alive except for one older brother that died as an infant and I never knew... Yes, there are far worse things in the world I could be dealing with or facing.
Yes, I know... We all have bad days and just want the world to have sympathy for us. Again, that is part of life, part of human nature. And I'm not saying that I will never again utter that phrase that so grates on my nerves right now... But I will say that the next time I am thinking about saying it, I am going to try to remember that somewhere out there someone is having a much worse day then I am and would be only to happy to have their biggest worry be a broken heart or a bad memory.