Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Lessons Learned....

I had a friend tell me the other day that he wants to slap the shit out of me... That he has been reading my blog and that I am the textbook spokesperson for every battered and cheated on woman. He really got me to thinking... (you know who you are!)
In a way, I think he's right. But I dont see myself leaving this situation. Im just not ready to. There is this big part of me that is telling me this is my last chance... That if this relationship fails, I will not find another I will be able to open my heart to.
(*Mindless rambling and change of topic to follow....*)
It has been very therapeutic and eye opening for me in writing here. It has allowed me in some ways to see myself thru other peoples eyes, to kind of take a step back from my situation and see from another point of view. And I have learned things about myself that I dont think I wanted to know. And apparently things that others didnt want to know either! (although, that is the name of the blog, you cant say you weren't warned...) I have lost some followers over the last month, and I am not ashamed to say it hurt my feelings a little. I know they arent people that I really knew all that well, or at all. But it was flattering to me that someone else was interested in what I had to say, that someone cared about what I had to say... But when you only have 8 followers, and you lose 3 very rapidly, it kind of hurts the ego! Makes me think I might be just as screwed up in the head that I sometimes fear I am! lol...
(*The End*)
Which brings me back to my original point... About how my friend sees my situation...
Like I said, I think he has a valid point. But at the same time, its another very good example of how you can never really know how you will behave or react in any given situation unless you are actually in it yourself. I have stood on the outside countless times and always cried out "why dont you just leave!" And i have actually carried some resentment in my heart towards my mother for never leaving my stepfather and allowing him to treat us the way he did. But I can see now that even though she was wrong, she probably really felt that she was doing the right things for her family.
I feel the same way right now. I am not yet ready to give up on my relationship with T... Not just yet. He is not a mean person or an abusive one,... Just a selfish one. Thinking only of his own wants and desires at times and not stopping to think about how that might hurt the person that truly loves him. But I still think there is hope for us. People make mistakes, and people can change. People can learn... While learning from your mistake the first time you make it is always ideal, we all know that doesnt always happen. How many of us didnt stop speeding the first time we got a speeding ticket? Or have burned our tongues more then once on a hot drink or bowl of soup? Yes, minor things in some ways, but still examples of how every single one of us or at least the majority of us has had to make the same mistake more then once before we learned our lesson.
I guess the question here is who is the one that has a lesson to learn? Myself or T, or maybe both of us?
Only time will tell....

Monday, July 2, 2012


So, I have been thinking about it and I decided I would start sharing some of my poems on here. I chose this one to share first because I feel it fits in well with what has been going on in my life. I have been sharing some of the issues I have been going thru with T, and the more I shared and the more I thought about it and how I felt, I was reminded if this poem I wrote 10 years ago. Yes, T has made mistakes, who hasnt? But I really think its more of my own insecurities that has made some of things bigger issues then they needed to be. Guess we both have things to work on, huh? :)

Another conquest,
Another journey completed,
Another love known, and lost.
When will the insanity end?
When will I be done with the insecurities,
When will I learn to live life?

The hole that I have built continues to grow, 
And I, …I keep falling into that bottomless darkness,
The trap that I have set for myself.

I must enjoy the pain as I seem so willing to inflict it upon myself,
Yet when the tears fall,
I wonder what happened. 
What was wrong with this one?
Why did I not need him in my life?

But, my answer is always the same.
I DID need that Love, that soul,
But I was too afraid to hang on,
To afraid that HE would let go.

So, I continue to press on,
Always looking back,
Always regretting the past, but never changing the course.
I continue to roam,
Hiding like a Rose.

Seeming so beautiful and innocent,
So willing to be tamed.
But beneath all of that, 
Hiding many thorns,
Hiding what soon will be pain.
Many layers of scars,
Many tears unshed is soon what will be found.

And with that touch,
A new layer is formed,
One that will trust for a while,
One that yes, may even love.
But at the first sign of hurt,
Out come the thorns, the fragile insecurities.

I always feel myself to blame,
No matter the reason.
I was not good enough to make it thru,
Let me move on and try again.
Yet it always seems to happen the same way,
Time after time.

Now my time seems to be growing short.
Maybe now I can fill this void.
But, alas, it is not to happen.
I still lose on Love.
Why must I be so afraid to let it all go?
Why do I fear so?

My destiny seems so unclear,
My future so cloudy.
The colors all seem to run together.
What will I make of the rest of my life?
Will any of my dreams come to fruition?
Or am I always going to be,