"Afraid"

So, I have been thinking about it and I decided I would start sharing some of my poems on here. I chose this one to share first because I feel it fits in well with what has been going on in my life. I have been sharing some of the issues I have been going thru with T, and the more I shared and the more I thought about it and how I felt, I was reminded if this poem I wrote 10 years ago. Yes, T has made mistakes, who hasnt? But I really think its more of my own insecurities that has made some of things bigger issues then they needed to be. Guess we both have things to work on, huh? :)

          

  “AFRAID”

Another conquest,
Another journey completed,
Another love known, and lost.
When will the insanity end?
When will I be done with the insecurities,
When will I learn to live life?

The hole that I have built continues to grow, 
And I, …I keep falling into that bottomless darkness,
The trap that I have set for myself.

I must enjoy the pain as I seem so willing to inflict it upon myself,
Yet when the tears fall,
I wonder what happened. 
What was wrong with this one?
Why did I not need him in my life?

But, my answer is always the same.
I DID need that Love, that soul,
But I was too afraid to hang on,
To afraid that HE would let go.

So, I continue to press on,
Always looking back,
Always regretting the past, but never changing the course.
I continue to roam,
Hiding like a Rose.

Seeming so beautiful and innocent,
So willing to be tamed.
But beneath all of that, 

Hiding many thorns,
Hiding what soon will be pain.
Many layers of scars,
Many tears unshed is soon what will be found.

And with that touch,
A new layer is formed,
One that will trust for a while,
One that yes, may even love.
But at the first sign of hurt,
Out come the thorns, the fragile insecurities.


I always feel myself to blame,
No matter the reason.
I was not good enough to make it thru,
Let me move on and try again.
Yet it always seems to happen the same way,
Time after time.

Now my time seems to be growing short.
Maybe now I can fill this void.
But, alas, it is not to happen.
I still lose on Love.
Why must I be so afraid to let it all go?
Why do I fear so?

My destiny seems so unclear,
My future so cloudy.
The colors all seem to run together.
What will I make of the rest of my life?
Will any of my dreams come to fruition?
Or am I always going to be,
Alone?