Tuesday, April 16, 2013

A letter to my Mom.

Dear Mom,

I think you have forgotten this, but its me, your daughter. Yea, you have one of those, I promise. I know that to you I died 11 years ago when I chose not to follow the religious path you set out for me, but I am not dead. I am alive and kicking, and I am still your daughter. I am writing you this letter because I can't talk to you. Actually, its not because I can't, but its because you won't. I can't call you up to say hi and see how your day was, let alone have a serious heartfelt discussion. This will obviously be one sided with no chance for you to jump in and defend your actions, but that is by your choice. I wish I could talk to you in person. I wish I could hug you and tell you I love you. I wish you loved me.

Do you remember when you were in your car accident? You spent a week in the hospital, including 3 days in the ICU. Do you remember who never left your side, who slept in the hospital room with you so that you never had to wake up alone, who fed you ice chips when your mouth was dry, and who advocated for you when it was necessary? That was me. I knew that if the situation was reversed, you wouldn't do the same for me, but I could not let your actions define mine. You are my mother and you needed me, so I was there. It hurts me so much sometimes though to know that it changed nothing. That I am still dead to you.

How can you be that way? I just don't understand. As a mother now myself, I can not understand ever ignoring my child the way that you ignore me, no matter what they did.

You raised me in the religion for 18 years, and all of its teachings and beliefs were pounded into my head. I know how it works, you are controlled by fear. We were taught that we could not make any mistakes, and that if we did everyone we knew would abandon us. I am well aware of all that is taught, yet I still know I would not be able to do that to my children. Nor do I believe that God would want me to. And to be perfectly honest, if He did, then I don't want to worship Him anyway. Nothing is worth losing my children.

I know that you hope to convert my children to follow your faith. I will never try to control my children or force them to believe or not believe in a certain way as I was, but I will tell you that I hope you fail at your attempts. I love my children very deeply, and I would hate to see them in an organization that will turn their backs on throw them out at a moments notice.

Do you have any idea the pain and emotional trauma that abandonment like that can cause? I pray that you never have to find out. I still love you and I wouldn't want you to have to hurt the way that I have.

The saddest part is that I don't even think you realize just how fucked up it is. For my first three years as a mother, I lived in constant fear that Armageddon was going to come, and my beautiful innocent children would be killed because of the sins of me, their mother. That is what you taught me, that is what your religion pounded into my head. Every time a thunderstorm happened, I would cower in a corner of my house, holding my kids close and praying that this wasn't the day they would be taken. I was brainwashed with fear.

I am trying very hard to move forward with my life, but it isn't easy. You never did what parents are supposed to do, and never prepared me for life in the real world. I did not know how to pay bills, balance a check book, or save money. I was taught that furthering my education by going to college was an evil and selfish thing to do. I did not know that real evil existed in the world, and I wasn't taught how to protect myself from it. The only people I was ever exposed to were in the religion, and I was taught to implicitly trust every person I met. Believe me when I tell you, that particular lesson has been a very, very difficult one to break.

I wish I could say or do something that would open your eyes, make you understand... But I can't. I cannot free you from the hold of that organization, and I have to accept that. I have to accept that I do not have a mother. I have no one I can call for advice or wisdom. No one to turn to for the affection I so desperately crave. You couldn't even give me a hug at grandmas funeral.

I have so much more that I want to say to you, so much that I want to make you understand. I wish you would talk to me.

I love you mom, I always will.

Your loving, out casted daughter.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Nasty Little Thoughts in My Head

I don’t want to be strong anymore. I don’t want to go around pretending that everything is fine when it’s really not. I want to break down and cry, I want to drink excessively and take lots of pain killers and just be numb all the time.

Every time I turn around I am failing someone or hurting someone else, and it’s not because I want to. It’s because I never seem to know what the right thing to do is.

I know there are people who are going to judge me for feeling this way, who are going to tell me to shut the fuck up, be grateful I’m alive and just move forward in my life. But you know what? Fuck you. Walk a fucking mile in my shoes and stand under the weight I have on my shoulders. Live with the memories I have, and wake up every morning knowing about life what I know. Being alive and having your health mean jack shit when you just want to be dead.

No, I did not say I am going to commit suicide, and no that is not what I mean. I am alive, and that will not change by my own hand. I am just saying that I am so damn tired of hurting every damn day and being so frustrated with everything I do being the wrong things, when all I keep trying to do is the right ones.

What is the point of always trying to do what’s right and always trying to make sure others are happy, when you always end up being the one that gets screwed because of it?
Now I truly understand the saying "Nice guys finish last." Society sends a very strong, clear message that says you have to be a bitch to get what you want out of life. Want your children's father to help you and actually pay his child support? Be nasty, be mean, let the state throw him in jail. Want to get ahead in your work place? Don't give a fuck about making sure things are done the right way, just do them halfassed and spend the rest of your time chit chatting with your supervisors so that they like you and promote you. Want help from the state to provide better health coverage for you kids? Lie to them and don't play by the rules. And apparently being nice and always putting the other person first doesn't get you very far in romantic relationships either. I haven't figured that one out yet, but maybe when I do I will finally find a man who will just love me and respect my children. Yea, right.