Sunday, April 14, 2013

Nasty Little Thoughts in My Head

I don’t want to be strong anymore. I don’t want to go around pretending that everything is fine when it’s really not. I want to break down and cry, I want to drink excessively and take lots of pain killers and just be numb all the time.

Every time I turn around I am failing someone or hurting someone else, and it’s not because I want to. It’s because I never seem to know what the right thing to do is.

I know there are people who are going to judge me for feeling this way, who are going to tell me to shut the fuck up, be grateful I’m alive and just move forward in my life. But you know what? Fuck you. Walk a fucking mile in my shoes and stand under the weight I have on my shoulders. Live with the memories I have, and wake up every morning knowing about life what I know. Being alive and having your health mean jack shit when you just want to be dead.

No, I did not say I am going to commit suicide, and no that is not what I mean. I am alive, and that will not change by my own hand. I am just saying that I am so damn tired of hurting every damn day and being so frustrated with everything I do being the wrong things, when all I keep trying to do is the right ones.

What is the point of always trying to do what’s right and always trying to make sure others are happy, when you always end up being the one that gets screwed because of it?
Now I truly understand the saying "Nice guys finish last." Society sends a very strong, clear message that says you have to be a bitch to get what you want out of life. Want your children's father to help you and actually pay his child support? Be nasty, be mean, let the state throw him in jail. Want to get ahead in your work place? Don't give a fuck about making sure things are done the right way, just do them halfassed and spend the rest of your time chit chatting with your supervisors so that they like you and promote you. Want help from the state to provide better health coverage for you kids? Lie to them and don't play by the rules. And apparently being nice and always putting the other person first doesn't get you very far in romantic relationships either. I haven't figured that one out yet, but maybe when I do I will finally find a man who will just love me and respect my children. Yea, right.

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