Friday, March 30, 2012

Our Story Part 2

So, at the end of my last post I realized I had kind of gotten off track of what I was originally writing about, but since I started the story, I thought maybe I would try and finish it tonight.
My story left off with me living in a 3 bedroom trailer in the middle of no where, with a 4 (almost 5) yr old, and a 3 1/2 yr old, with one on the way. I was working 3rd shift, and I was getting MAYBE 2 hours of sleep a day, if I was lucky. It was some rough, lonely times. After a few months of this T was starting to notice how withdrawn I was getting, how big the circles were under my eyes, and he noticed that I very rarely had a lunch at work, mostly because I couldn't afford it. I was to damn proud to go on state assistance, and of course the kids dad wasn't working, so no child support... (whoops, starting to head off in another direction again!) Anyway, T gave me his phone number and asked me to write mine down, said to text him if I ever needed someone to talk to. He started subtly giving me a lunch every day too,... "hey, I bought to much tonight, here, have some!"  When he found out how little I was sleeping, he suggested that I go out to my car on my lunch hours and nap, and he would call my cell to wake me when it was time. While this was an excellent idea, I was still pretty much scared of my own shadow at the time, and the thought of being alone in a dark parking lot did  not appeal to me. I didnt tell T this, but somehow he seemed to pick up on the fact that I was just scared, so he started a ritual... at least 2 nights a week we would go out for lunch, but he would just drive up and down the highway and let me sleep in his car. I will never forget the first time we did this,... It happened to be a night I was working and he was off, about 5 minutes before lunch time I got a text from him, it said to meet him outside. I was a little confused but curious, so I clocked out and came outside. He had me get in his car, pulled out a blanket from the back seat, handed it to me, and said "Now you can sleep. You will be just like a baby in a car-seat, I drive, you sleep."
We became closer every day, and I started telling him things that no one else knew. We would text all day long, and would talk every chance we got at work. At this point in time it was nothing more then friendship, and it was exactly what I needed. He was there and cared when no one else did.
Then I went on medical leave and had my daughter. T and I still texted, just not nearly as often and I of course wasnt at work so I didnt get to see him there. We both lived about a half hour from work at the time, but in opposite directions, so it wasnt like he could just drop by. I went thru another rough spell after my daughter was born, it brought back alot of things I had tried to bury deep down, esp when she was born looking so much like the jack ass of a sperm donor. It took a while for me to work thru things and to be able to connect with her. I suffered from a pretty bad case of post partum depression. I never wanted to hurt her, I just... I didnt want her. Even saying that now brings tears to my eyes as I cant imagine my life without her in it now, but I do remember what it felt like that first 8 months or so. It was actually T that helped me thru that as well once I got back to work. We picked up where we left off, and he was the only person I felt comfterble enough with to share the truth about my feelings regarding my daughter. He kept telling me that I was ok, that I wasnt a bad mom and it was understandable for me to feel the way I did after what had happened. He also told me that baby girl was here for a reason. That she was special in some way, and it was my job to take care of her to make sure she was able to fufill her reason for being here. Slowly but surely I was finally able to connect with and LOVE my daughter.
Wow... way off track again! I am supposed to be telling you about... wait, what did I start out telling you??
Oh yes! Good day... she texted him,... he told me,... trust issues,...cheating,... Got it!
SO... In March of 2010, T and I began having sex. It was still nothing more then a friendship, now with fringe benifits, and neither of us ever said or pretended it was otherwise. Due to other circumstances in our lives, we knew that we werent going to be a couple, and thats just the way it was. After a few months of this, I found out he was also sleeping with someone else. I wasnt mad, I didnt really have a claim on him, I just felt bad because he had a fwb relationship with this other woman for almost 7 years. If I had known about her, I never would have allowed us to go to that level. So I had a conversation with him about it and I told him if he wanted to keep sleeping with her that was fine with me, but that I was going to end our sexual relationship, I just wasnt into the shareing thing, no hard feelings, we would just go back to being just friends. Told him that it would be the same for me, if I had found someone else I would have ended it just to be fair to everyone involved. He told me that he understood where I was coming from, and he should have told me about this other lady sooner, he just really hadnt thought to much about it. But he said that he enjoyed our time together to much, and he would end it with her instead of with me. I said Cool!
Well, to give you a much shorter version of events (otherwise I will be up all night typing...) over the course of about a year he told me 3 times that he had ended it with her, and 3 times it was a lie. The first time I forgave since we werent really a couple, but then he said he had feelings for me which confused him, etc,... We started actually dateing around oct 2010... In Jan 11, I ended it because I found out by accident yet again that he had slept with this other woman again... he came to me in tears telling me he loved me, to please give him one more chance, he wanted so much to be with me, he knew he had made horrible horrible mistakes, and he was so sorry for hurting me... So, I forgave him. That was the 4th time. I swore it would be the last. The dynamics of our relationship had changed and I told him he needed to change with it. He agreed.
In April he came to me. Told me he hadnt been honest with me. That he had been doing alot of thinking and soul searching, really deciding what it was he wanted in his life, and he knew without a doubt now that it was me he wanted. He wanted us to start our life together, but before that could happen he said he knew he needed to tell me the truth. He told me that he hadnt ended in January as he had promised, that he had been to scared to. He has been friends with this woman for 20 years, and while he did not feel for her the same he felt for me, she was still a friend and he didnt know what to do to end the fwb while still keeping the friend. He told me that he finally ended it about a week before coming to me, and that as he feared she was mad and he was afraid he had lost his friend. But his bigger fear was losing me by finally telling me the truth, but he knew that the truth was going to be his only shot at keeping me.
I was stunned. After all the tears back in Jan, all the heartfelt words, and here was hitting me yet again. Not physically, but the pain in my chest sure felt like a sucker punch. I started crying and threw him out of my house. He texted and called me for the next 3 days, all of which I ignored. I just cried. But thru all of my tears, a realization hit me. All of the previous times I had found out by accident, either thru something he accidently said, or in one instance by recieving a text that was not ment for me.... But this time, this time he had come to me of his own free will to tell me. He willingly and purposely came to me with the truth. The more I thought about it, the more I saw the diffrences between this time and all the rest.
I finally let him come back over to the house, and we talked. We talked for almost 4 hours. I told him at the end of the conversation that if I was really what he wanted in his life he was going to have to prove it. That trust was non exisint in our relationship now, and anytime he went anywhere or did anything, or talked to anyone I was going to have doubts, I told him it was going to be a long hard road to earn even an ounce of trust back. He said he understood, and he was willing to try.
That was almost a year ago,... we have of course had our ups and downs, but we are still working on it. He continues to this day to be my best friend, lover and help mate. And he is trying. He still makes mistakes, but nothing that we havent worked thru, and he has been faithful to me since that day in April. I know you are probably thinking that I am wrong, and after all he did how could I possibly know that? And I will tell you, I know. He lied to me so many times, that I know when he is telling the truth now or trying to hide something. He has had several contacts with her, all of which he at first tried to hide, afraid of my reaction, but very quickly came out with the truth and told me. I have even contacted her myself and had several conversations with her,... foolishly hoping that we could all become friends or at least be civil to each other... but, yea, thats not going to happen... Which in all honesty is not something I can really blame on her, T is the one to blame in how he handled everything, but this is a fact he readilly admitts.
We have come a long way in our relationship, but there is still a ways to go. A lot of hurt and anger to work thru. But we are still working at it, and we are doing it together.
Obviously there is a lot more to my story, but I think this is more then enough for now! I think I have given enough back story that the next time I start talking about something, you might understand a little better of what Im trying to talk about... That is if you are still around after reading this novel!
Im thinking of selling my life story to someone from Days of our Lives...
(now to hit publish without re reading what I wrote, or even spell checking for fear I will lose my nerve!)

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Our Story Part 1

We had a good day yesterday! That is quite remarkable given what happened first thing in the morning... SHE sent him a text yesterday. But what made it a good day is the fact that as soon as he recieved that text he told me about it, and he didnt reply to her. How do I know? Because he promised me he wouldnt.... Well, that and the fact that last night I couldnt help myself and found myself looking thru his phone while he was in the shower.... (this is the last time, really!)
The fact that he actually told me immediatley about it is a huge step. In the past he has always tried to hide it when they have had contact, which he says he does because he doesnt want to hurt me. That the sexual part of their relationship is over, but they have been friends for so long and he just didnt want to cut that tie...
Maybe I should give a touch more background?
Our relationship started a little over 2 years ago, we had been friends for about 7 years, not close friends, but we did talk and have lunch together every now and then. It was while I was pregnant with my youngest that T and I got closer. It was the lowest most lonely point I have ever been. I was literlly living in the middle of no where, starting over yet again and completely alone other then my children. My childrens father had moved out of state for a job, and since mine easily transferred, even though we were no longer together, I moved as well so that our kids had both of us. We lived out there for a year, and I was starting to build a new life for myself, met new people, made friends, even got a boyfriend. For the first time that I could remember I was happy. Til one day my kids dad walked off his job. He was a manager at the farm he was working at, and just up and quit. He took our children that weekend back to our home state to visit his parents, and I figured that he just needed a mini vacation and when they came back he would either go back to his job or hit the pavement and find a new one. Looking back, I wonder how I could have been so blind....
I got the phone call 3 days after they had left. He told me he was moving back in with his parents, and he was not bringing the kids back. My heart sunk.
I dont think I can describe the mix of emotions and fear that went thru my body. I was about 4 months pregnant with my daughter, and was still dealing with the situatution surrounding her conception. At that time I was looking into giving her up for adoption as I didnt think I would be able to raise her and look at her, every day being reminded of what had happened...
My doctor, my friends, my boyfriend.... everything I was building was there in Wis,... and my children were in another state. Now, I had 2 choices. Stay where I was and put my children thru and interstate custody battle, or move back. The paternity papers their dad signed when each of them were born gave me physical custody in our home state, so the choice was basically made for me... no one was going to keep my kids from me, so I left everything else behind and came after them. I know thats what he wanted. He couldnt stand the fact that I was happy and moving on with my life, and farther and farther away from him, so he did what he could do to upset that balance I had found. Even knowing what he was doing didnt help me do anything to stop it. I had so much going on at that time I just didnt have anything left to fight with. And even if I did, I just didnt feel that what it would have put my kids thru was worth it.
Within a week I packed up my house, transferred my job back and found a cheap 3 bedroom trailer that I was able to move into right away, and I got my kids.
The only position available for my transfer back was a 3rd shift job. So, I was a pregnant single mom, working a full time job at night. I didnt sleep, didnt have friends, didnt go anywhere or do anything other then work and take care of my kids. When I say I was at the lowest most lonely point in my life, I wasnt kidding. I went from my highest high, to my lowest low in a matter of weeks.

Wow... I went a lot farther back then I intended and have totally lost what I first started talking about...

Let me regroup my thoughts and come back tomorrow!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I'm back!

I havent been around in a few days, my 2yr old daughter was pretty sick. Thankfully she is on the mend now, and I am back to torture you with more of the rambling thoughts that are ever present in my mind! :)
Not surprisingly my most recent thoughts are revolving around kids, and how nothing else seems to matter when they are sick. For instance, my daughter will be perfectly fine, but we spent a few worried days not knowing what was wrong with her. She was running 103, 104 temps with no apparent reason. No coughing, no puking... she was still eating and drinking, just slightly less then normal. Her ears didnt hurt, her throat didn hurt... Her only symptoms were that high fever and her constant crankiness, which who could blame her for that?! 
The thing is, that thru all of this the man in my life and myself stopped fighting with each other. We stopped worrying about all the little day to day things that arent really important, and banded together to take care of my daughter. I talked a little bit about my daughters paternity in one of my previous posts (I dont know how to link things yet, but the name of it is Judgemental people suck) so anyone who read that is aware that my guy is not her biological father... But he sure acted like a dad to her. He took turns with me rocking her, getting cool washcloths for her forehead and under her arms, helped give her medicine, and stayed up with her allowing me to catch a couple hours of sleep when I was about ready to drop from exhaustion.
Its amazing what we can accomplish when we work together instead of against each other...
People have asked me why on earth I stay with a man who repeatedly cheated on me. These last few days are just one more example as to why. When I needed him most, he was there. When it comes to the important things in life I can count on him, on more then one occasion he has been my strength when I had  none left of my own. All the fear and trust issues aside, he has proven time and time again that I can rely on him to be here and help me face whatever struggle I may be going thru. To someone such as me who has never had that in her life, it is somehthing very important.
In fact, I think I just surprised myself with my own revelation. Its amazing how when you start writing, words come out that you werent expecting, realizations that were right there at the tip of  your consciousness and just needed you to sit down and focus long enough for them to come out...
I think I need to go tell someone how much I love and appreciate him....

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I think I may be a certifiable mental patient...

So, apperently I am an insecurity and abandonment issues. Great, as if I didnt have enough emotional stress in my life! Although, I have to say that knowing this issues and having a clear set plan to face this is somewhat of a relief.
As I mentioned in my first post, I know I am an overly emotionl person. I literlly feel other peoples emotional pain, and I will cry with them or for them even if their situation has no effect or meaning in my personal life. But the insecurtity and abandonment issues are deeper and more involved then that.
Even though I run high on the emotion scale, it never goes down deep. I am afraid to let anyone to close or know to much about the real me. If I did, they would just end up leaving and leaving a bigger hole in my heart then was already there, right?
I dont know,... Maybe this stems from the fact that growing up I was never allowed to have friends. I was pulled out of school at 8yrs old by my stepfather, and he kept my 2 brothers and I at home to "homeschool" us. But his idea of homeschooling was basically just to keep us at home and keep us locked inside. We lived in a house that had almost an acre of fenced in backyard, but we still had to have his permission to go outside and play. The answer was almost always no, and when he did say yes, it was usually only for about 15 minutes before we had to come right back in. Well, thats true for my older brother and I. It was different for my little brother who was my stepfathers biological son. He pretty much got to do whatever and go wherever he wanted.
My point is, he never let anyone get close to anyone in our little dysfunctional family unless it was his own friends. I think he was afraid that if we had friends, we would talk to them and tell them the horrible things that happened to us. He was a very mentally abusive man and made sure that my brother and I knew we werent good for anything, that we were stupid, fat, etc... that we must have been bad kids because otherwise our Dad would have stuck around, but he only came around a couple times a year, so that should tell us something, right?
Maybe it wasnt all of that (and more).... Maybe its the fact that when I was 11 my dads best friend molested me,... and my dad remains friends with that man to this day. Said his friend has emotional problems and he needs to stand by him.... Hah!
Or maybe my issues came into play after my very failed relationship with my kids father?
Does anyone else see a pattern here? It just feels like everytime I pick myself up and say, "ouch, that hurt... but surely the next time someone will be there to break my fall"... it just hurts more the next time.
But, I dont like feeling that way. I dont like always sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to be happy. I want to show a good example to my children of a happy mom, not like what I saw growing up. I want to fix things and become a better stronger person for my experiences and not feel like a failure because of  them.
I know have 4 followers on here, and I have to say that actually has given me a little ego boost! i never expected to get 1, let alone 4! But I thought, if i can openly admit my mental anguish and issues to 4 people (even if it is under the blanket of anonymity) that would be a big step in the right direction for me. Although, I have to say that when I sat down to write tonight, this is definitely not what I had in mind... I had planned on telling another story about my son... But all of these words came pouring out instead. I guess I needed to vent or something tonight...
Now I think I will hit publish before I chicken out and delete everything instead.....

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

7yr old Logic

I told my son that every time he misbehaves or doesnt listen to me, I get another gray hair on my head. It amuses me that he actually believes that... Let me assure you that if this were true, my entire head would be solid white by now!
My son is 7, and is by far  the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life. Whoever said boys are easier lied! LOL The other thing that works against me when it comes to him is that he is incredably smart. Now I know that all parents think that their children are the smartest, cutest, and best behaved child out there... But when I say E is smart, I mean he is really smart! His principal wants to send him in for academic testing just to see what his IQ is. This childs brain never stops, and he is as stubborn as I am which is a very bad combination. No matter the topic he "knows" the answers,..even when he really doesnt, he has an agrument for absolutely everything, and he has this insane sense of logic that when he spells it out for you actually makes sense.
For a school project the kids all made "wanted" posters of themselves, and they had to write what they were wanted for and how much thier bounty was... Now most children wrote things such as "John is wanted for not picking up his toys. Reward $500" or "Jennifer is wanted for talking back to her mother. Reward is $25". Then we get to my sons... his reads "57 year old Hillbilly E. is wanted for killing the government and the reward is $1,000,000,000,000" sigh. Just warms your heart, doesnt it? And the funny thing was, he had a perfectly logical explaination as to why he wrote this, which he happily explained to his principal and myself when we met... E had overheard the teacher giving students ideas as to what they might be wanted for, saying it could be something real such as not listening, or it could be something fake such as being a spy for the government. E decided that since it was a Wild West theme for his school, and most cowboys shoot things, instead of spying for the goverment he was going to be a cowboy and kill the government, and since the government is really important the reward should be really high, and since E isnt a "good cowboy name" he needed to change it, but wanted to make sure people still knew who he was, so Hillbilly E was the solution to that! All makes sense, right?
Yesterday the man in my life took my son for a walk for some male bonding time. When they got back, I was told that E had something to tell me. He proceeds to tell me how they were throwing rocks and sticks into the river down at the bridge when he decided he wanted to see the stick flow out on the other side and took off running across a 2 lane highway without ever looking. Being as this is a VERY busy road we are talking about E was very lucky not to be hit by any vehicles. We decided the best course of action with him was to make him think about the consequences, and make him think about the things he would miss in life if he had been hit by a car. My wonderful son thinks for a full 10 minutes about this, then looks at me and says.... "Mom, I have been thinking about my actions and I realize that it wasnt smart of me and my brain must have taken a vacation. If a car had hit me when I did that, I probably wouldnt have survived and I never would have been able to look at your beautiful face again." Did I mention how much I love my son?
 How is it that a 7 year old knows how to get out of trouble in a way that grown men cant seem to figure out? :)

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Lonely Bed

You know you are both to damn stubborn when you both end up sleeping on various piece's of furniture in the living room, while a perfectly good bed remains empty in your bedroom upstairs.
After our big romantic weekend away that started horribly, then turned out okay, today has almost been like we are perfect strangers. We had sex 5 times in less then 24 hours, yet less then 12 hours later we started fighting and haven't stopped. Now he is curled up on the recliner, I am on the love seat, and we are both playing the martyr and insisting the other use the bed.
Why are we doing this to ourselves?! I have  spent more of the day crying then anything else and that was mostly because he was gone for the entire day with me having no real idea where he was. But the distance sure didn't stop the fight. Oh no, we managed to keep that going nice and strong via over 500 text messages today. I keep telling myself that in a way its a good thing, that we both obviously still care otherwise why would we be fighting like this? But even I'm not believing myself anymore.
We have been to hell and back in our 2 years together. And back again. He was there when my house burned down and all my worldly possessions were gone. I was there for him when he was in panic mode because the girl he cheated on me with thought she was pregnant (yes, fucked up I know, but everybody does stupid things). He was my shoulder when I had to travel out of state during custody issues with my baby, he even came with me to those court hearings and helped me every step of the way until it was over.... And those are just a few examples. So why do we as a couple who have been thru so much together now have the problems we seem to be having lately?
All I know is that I do love this man very much and I know what a wonderful heart he has inside him... And I am so tired of hurting all the time.
Yet, here we are, neither willing to sleep in the bed alone, yet not quite willing to share it with the other either.
And that is a very lonely place to be indeed.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Judgemental people suck.

Yes, I have a daughter that has never seen her father. Yes, I have 3 children by 2 different men. But I am so tired of being judged on this one set of facts.  I am sick of people who have a holier then thou attitude, when in reality given a different set of circumstances the situation that I find myself in life could really happen to anybody. I grew up in a VERY sheltered and strict home, and when I finally hit adulthood and ventured into the world on my own, I was very unprepared for what life was going to throw at me. I pretty much ended up hooking up with the first guy that showed any interest in me, and thought that he was just absolutely perfect. As I eluded to in my previous post, this was not the case and I learned that very quickly. Still, I stayed with him and took care of him, waiting on him hand and foot as I had been taught to do, and kept on hoping that things would change, that it would get better. They never did, but by the time I was finally able to get up the courage to get out I had already had 2 children with him. Then Dec. 31st, 2008. I had gone out to celebrate the New Year with a friend, and ended up waking up the next morning with no memory of where I was or how I got there. As events unfolded over the next few days, it was discovered that something had been slipped into my drink at the bar, after which 4 men took me back to their house. It doesn't take much imagination from there to realize what happened after that. In the few weeks that followed I was absolutely terrified to be alone or to go anywhere or do anything. I spent the majority of my time with a particular friend. Unfortunately one night this friend had to be at work and couldn't be there for me, so he sent another friend in his place. I didn't know this other friend as well, but it was someone I knew and it meant I wasn't alone. It didn't take long to realize his intentions were not pure of heart. He proceeded to take advantage of the situation and capitalized on my fear. He made advances and I kept trying to tell him no, he said "Why are you telling me no? You know that word doesn't mean anything!" And at that point in time I truly felt he was right. I wont say that he raped me, but he definitely took advantage of a bad time in my life. My brain was screaming for him to stop, but the screams, yells and tears in my brain somehow stayed there and never came out of my mouth.
3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I tearfully told my doctor the entire story, gave her the 2 possible conception dates, and she did an early fetal ultrasound to pin it down. The 2 dates were of course the 31st of Dec., and Jan 13th. After the ultrasound she told me the date of conception was determined to be around the 12th. In my mind that made it very clear as to who the father was, so I did what I felt was the right thing to do and went to him to tell him. His reaction of course was that the baby was not his, it couldn't be, etc, etc...
I could go on for a while with this story, but I think I have made my point. People want to judge, but they really don't know. They want to call me a slut or a whore and turn down their noses at me because I am so obviously beneath them. But what they don't know is that while I endured some pretty traumatic events in my life, I wouldn't change them because out of that came the 3 things I am most proud of in my life. I now have 3 very strong reasons for getting out of bed every morning and facing the challenges of life. I have 3 reasons to move on in my life, take the lessons learned and keep going.
So, if you want to call me names for that then go ahead. I wont lie and say that it doesn't hurt, but deep down I know I am better then that. I know that you don't really know me or my story, and maybe if you did it would change your mind... Maybe not. Some people just get off on sticking their noses in the air.

Questions with no answers

Why do people lie? Why do they cheat? I suppose if anyone had the real answer to this or a firm solution to the problem then I guess that person would be the world’s richest individual.

Some white lies are told and are considered acceptable to society, such as when you are planning a surprise party or something along those lines. It’s hard to surprise someone in a good way without a few lies or half-truths along the way, but where do you draw the line? How do you say this lie is OK, but that one’s not? Some people say it’s OK to lie if you’re just doing it to protect someone, but what if the lie you tell protects one person while hurting another? Is it still OK or acceptable?

I have all these questions running thru my head with no solid answers, and it’s very confusing. Along those same lines the other question I have racing thru my mind is “how many times do you forgive someone before you become the idiot, the doormat?”  The answer to that question in my case is directly tied to the answers to the previous questions. It’s a viscous cycle and one I just can’t seem to find the end too.  

No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you feel you need them in your life, there is still a limit, a line in the sand as to how much you can handle. And in all honesty, it’s different for each person. There is no one size fits all answer.  And it varies still from one situation to the next even with the same person.

For instance, in my first serious relationship… (Actually my only long term relationship other than the one I’m in now) I stayed with a man that I knew I shouldn’t be with for almost 6 years simply because I was afraid. I was afraid of him, but my bigger fear was being alone. At the time I didn’t recognize that, but I do now.  He played major mind games with my head and had me convinced that I was lucky to be with him, that no one else in this world would ever desire me, I was overweight, not pretty and if I ever left him I would be a single mom of 2 kids, not something anyone else would want. I finally found the strength to break away from that when I realized I was setting a terrible example for my children. I did not want my daughter to grow up believing it was OK for a man to treat her in the way that her father did me, and I didn’t want my son growing up thinking that the things his father did to his mother was an acceptable situation. 
I got out of that situation, but 4 years later I now I find myself in another relationship with a whole new set of issues. Now I know that you will have problems and issues in any relationship, but that kind of goes back to what I was saying earlier, every situation is different and you have to make the call on what you can deal with, if its worth it or not. 
I used to think that physical or mental abuse, or being cheated on was where i would always draw the line... little did i know! I have know endured and forgiven all 3. The first 2 with my children's father, and the last one in my current relationship. 
The man I am with now is for the most part a good guy. Aside from the lying and cheating, he treats me very well. Candle lit dinners, flowers, foot rubs... he cleans, cooks, shovels the snow and helps me take care of my children. Any woman's dream, right? But then you throw in that other one minor detail, and how that rips at my heart and it paints a whole new picture.                      
And with that, I am back to the questions above that I have been asking myself, and the cycle continues.                

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Ive never done this blog thing before, but figured I would give it a try.
 Writing has always been my outlet for as long as I can remember, everything from a short poem or song, to about the first 5 chapters of a book that I still promise myself I will finish.         I always have a lot to say, even if no one else cares to listen; and it has been my experience that people will read just about anything as long as they find it on the Internet! I guess my thoughts on the matter are that if someone reads this, cool! If not, at least I know I have a place to go to get my thoughts out and if nothing else be my own sounding board.
Writing to me is very therapeutic, and for someone as overly emotional as me, that is priceless. People always tell me that I feel to much, and sometimes I agree and wish I can change. But most of the time I accept me for who I am, and wouldn't change. Feeling the things I do and having the emotions I have give me a unique perspective on life. I have talked to enough people to know that my view on the world and the people in it is not exactly the norm.
But I kinda like it that way!
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't really know what I will write here, it could be nothing, or it could be lots and lots of babbling, kind of like I'm doing now... but above all else it will always be crazy, emotional me!
Enjoy the ride if you care to join :)