Sunday, March 11, 2012

Questions with no answers

Why do people lie? Why do they cheat? I suppose if anyone had the real answer to this or a firm solution to the problem then I guess that person would be the world’s richest individual.

Some white lies are told and are considered acceptable to society, such as when you are planning a surprise party or something along those lines. It’s hard to surprise someone in a good way without a few lies or half-truths along the way, but where do you draw the line? How do you say this lie is OK, but that one’s not? Some people say it’s OK to lie if you’re just doing it to protect someone, but what if the lie you tell protects one person while hurting another? Is it still OK or acceptable?

I have all these questions running thru my head with no solid answers, and it’s very confusing. Along those same lines the other question I have racing thru my mind is “how many times do you forgive someone before you become the idiot, the doormat?”  The answer to that question in my case is directly tied to the answers to the previous questions. It’s a viscous cycle and one I just can’t seem to find the end too.  

No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you feel you need them in your life, there is still a limit, a line in the sand as to how much you can handle. And in all honesty, it’s different for each person. There is no one size fits all answer.  And it varies still from one situation to the next even with the same person.

For instance, in my first serious relationship… (Actually my only long term relationship other than the one I’m in now) I stayed with a man that I knew I shouldn’t be with for almost 6 years simply because I was afraid. I was afraid of him, but my bigger fear was being alone. At the time I didn’t recognize that, but I do now.  He played major mind games with my head and had me convinced that I was lucky to be with him, that no one else in this world would ever desire me, I was overweight, not pretty and if I ever left him I would be a single mom of 2 kids, not something anyone else would want. I finally found the strength to break away from that when I realized I was setting a terrible example for my children. I did not want my daughter to grow up believing it was OK for a man to treat her in the way that her father did me, and I didn’t want my son growing up thinking that the things his father did to his mother was an acceptable situation. 
I got out of that situation, but 4 years later I now I find myself in another relationship with a whole new set of issues. Now I know that you will have problems and issues in any relationship, but that kind of goes back to what I was saying earlier, every situation is different and you have to make the call on what you can deal with, if its worth it or not. 
I used to think that physical or mental abuse, or being cheated on was where i would always draw the line... little did i know! I have know endured and forgiven all 3. The first 2 with my children's father, and the last one in my current relationship. 
The man I am with now is for the most part a good guy. Aside from the lying and cheating, he treats me very well. Candle lit dinners, flowers, foot rubs... he cleans, cooks, shovels the snow and helps me take care of my children. Any woman's dream, right? But then you throw in that other one minor detail, and how that rips at my heart and it paints a whole new picture.                      
And with that, I am back to the questions above that I have been asking myself, and the cycle continues.                

1 comment:

  1. I went back to your archives to read up a bit more this morning and this post kind of broke my heart, because it is so much like my own story, with the exception that my ex didn't often do those sweet, caring, romantic things either. But I question whether all of that can make up for the cheating and lies. Trust is such a fragile thing, once broken the damage done is extremely difficult to repair. My answer - for myself only - after years of soul searching - is that one can forgive and agree to try again if the partner is willing to admit they were wrong and put an end to such behaviors. A marriage cannot survive and thrive is one person is working for it and one is working against it. Cheating and lies have no place in relationships, it is not a part of love. As for being a doormat, the answer is that one decided to stop being a doormat when they've had enough dirt being dumped on them, and no one else can tell you when that point is or what you should do. I do know that longer one lives with an abusive spouse (and yes, lying and cheating is abuse) the easier it is to begin to believe this is a normal way of life and that it is the best you deserve anyway, or the best life has to offer anyway. When you wake up one morning and find that you don't even know yourself anymore, what you like and dislike, what makes you happy and what doesn't, and that you never do anything to please yourself, just to placate him... then you will know the time has come to set yourself free. I sincerely pray that your husband will reach a point where he is willing to commit to your relationship full time, because you are worth it, don't ever forget that! HUGS