Rape

The title of this post should leave no doubt in your mind what it is about. This post by my friend The Ranting Monkey stirred up some very deep feelings and emotions in me, and I needed to write.
I agree completely with Monkey. How dare anyone suggest that a woman is asking to be raped by what she is wearing?!

I went out on New Years Eve and wore a low cut shirt and high heeled boots. Does that mean I was asking someone to put a drug in my drink, take me back to their house and have up to 5 different men have sex with me in my unconscious/unaware state? Fuck no! And they did not "have sex" with me. They RAPED me, and anyone who dares say anything different can go fuck themselves. Better yet, how about I put something in YOUR drink and take you somewhere and let 5 men do that to you and see if you feel any different?

It just makes me so angry for anyone to try and justify in any way any kind of rape. Using the logic that anyone asks for it to happen by what they are wearing is absolutely ludicrous! Every person in this world has their own idea of what is a turn on and what isn't, there are people with all kinds of fetishes in this world, and yes, there are even those who are turned on by "granny panties" which means, gasp! it does not matter WHAT you wear, someone out there will find it attractive, and believe it or not, just because someone likes something you are wearing, it does not mean they are going to rape you!  It angers me to no end for those who try to lay blame on anyone for rape because of what they wore or their sense of style!

And yes, I am using the term ANYONE, because rape can happen to men and women. In fact, people refer to rape as a crime that women don't report because they are to ashamed... Want to know the statistics on how many men don't report being raped?

But, back to my original point of this post. I am a survivor of rape. And as such I take a tremendous amount of offense to anyone, any "feminist" group, or any article that even remotely suggests that I was asking for it.

 I assure you that as I got dressed to go out that night my only thoughts were that I wanted to look good and feel good to bring in the New Year. I had lost over 40 pounds that year and I was proud of myself. I wanted to show it off, not to have someone man handle me, and I wasn't even looking to have consensual sex with anyone. I was proud of myself, felt comfortable in my own skin, and I wanted to celebrate.

Now someone is trying to say that because of that I asked to have things happen to me. I asked to have so much damage done to me that they couldn't even preform an entire rape exam at the hospital. I asked to have nightmares that wake me up with screams. I asked to now have a fear of anyone being behind me and always having to sit with my back to a wall. I asked to be afraid to go out to a bar with my girlfriends, or to never be able to drink something after I have lost sight of it for even a second even if I'm at home. I asked to now have New Years Eve associated with fear and terror instead of happiness and cheer.

Fuck you. I asked for none of that. It is not my fault that it happened, and let me tell you it took me a long time to get to a point where I could say that. And for ANYONE to say otherwise is the most idiotic thing that anyone can say or do to anyone who has survived the atrocity known as rape. It is because of people and articles like you that so many are afraid to come forward, because they are afraid of just that... They are afraid the police will blame them and instead of being seen as the victim that they truly are, they will be seen as a whore or a slut who asked for it.

It is time to stop saying such outlandish things, time to stop looking for places to lay the blame other then with the criminal who committed the crime. Stop making victims of this crime feel more ashamed of themselves then they already do. You imbeciles that write this crap obviously know jack shit about being raped, or you would know that there is enough feelings of shame and guilt wrapped up into it without you pouring acid on an already inflamed wound. And if you truly knew anything about rape, you would know that statistically speaking, rape is not a crime of sex, it is not a crime of "Oh my God, do you see what that person is wearing? I just cant control myself and must have them now!"....  Rape is a crime of control, a crime of power. It is a crime of someone who feels the need to prove something about themselves by showing someone else how much stronger they are then them.

So, how about you stop writing about subjects that you know absolutely shit about, and start writing about things you know, like how to be a small minded idiot?

I am a survivor of rape, and my low cut shirt was NOT the reason it happened. End of story.

Frustration!!!

I just had an entire post written about changes in my life.... And somehow I deleted the whole thing with one click... Highly irritated at the moment! It took me a half an hour to write that thing, and now it is all gone! Grrness! Just, GRRRRNESSS!!!

Title TBA

 I have been writing a book.... It has always been my dream to one day be a published author, and maybe one day I will make that happen. For now, here is the first chapter... I am posting this because, well honestly I would like some feedback or any suggestions anyone has. Please, dont be afraid to be harsh. I have always written for myself, never for others and the only way I will get better is if I find out what my mistakes are and improve them! Thank you in advance for your time! :)

                                    Chapter One

If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend taking a moment and truly looking at yourself in the mirror. I don’t mean the everyday glance as you go about your morning routine, brushing your hair, washing your face, or putting makeup on if that’s your sort of thing. I mean REALLY look at yourself. You will be amazed at what you find in your own eyes. I know I was.

I never thought I was the kind of girl who would be capable of murder, never thought there would be circumstances extreme enough that my own 2 hands would be capable of harming another. But that was before Bryce came into my world and shattered every illusion I had about myself. Hell, who am I kidding? He shattered every illusion I had about everybody.

Bryce was every girls dream. The flowers, the romantic dinners, the foot rubs…  Oh my God the foot rubs! Some days I still miss those… But that all changed the day I thought I would surprise him at work with a quickie on our lunch hour. Little did I know that I would be the one getting the surprise.

I will never forget the moment I opened the door to his office trying to be all sneaky like, excited to reveal the little black number I had on under my skirt… Only to find that he was already under his office assistant Beth Dupree’s skirt. Oh, I couldn’t really blame him; she was a very cute little thing. The kind of girl that all the men love and all the women hate but secretly want to be. Blonde hair, blue eyes, milky white soft skin and still young enough to have those perfect perky breasts. (Now, I know what you’re thinking. Sorry to disappoint, but Beth is still out there alive and well and still as cute as ever.)

“What the hell is going on in here?!” I screamed the words that I now know 95% of the women in the world have screamed at least once, even if it was only inside their heads.

He just gave me that dumbfounded look that men seem to be so good at, and before he even had a chance to answer I spun around and flew out the door, not being able to stand one more second in that scene.

It would be easy to say I killed Bryce in a rage of fury, that it was a crime of passion, but it all honesty that’s just not the truth. I ran home, and yes I do mean ran. I left my car in the parking lot and just started running. I’m not sure why I was running, why I thought that running might make things better, but at the time it just felt right. I ran and tried to put as much space between me and the awful thing I had just seen as possible.

When I got home I jumped in the shower and scrubbed my skin raw. For some reason I just felt so dirty, and it wasn’t from the sweat pouring down my face. It was deeper than that. I could feel him on my skin even though he hadn’t touched me that day. I could smell him, I could smell her. I scrubbed and scrubbed until every inch of my body was red and the water had long since run cold. Then I just collapsed right there in the bathtub shivering, and crying. Life as I knew it was over.

I don’t know how long I lay there; I don’t know how I had enough water in my body to fuel the tears for as long as I cried. What I do know, is that when the tears finally stopped I made a decision. I could let this ruin me, or I could let it define me. I knew there was anger in my pain, and I knew there was strength in that anger. At that moment I realized I could do something about this. I could make him suffer, and I would. I had heard too many times from to many of my girlfriends about this boyfriend or that one cheating. Since the beginning of time men had been unfaithful to their women, they had even created a way to justify it in some cultures by allowing the men to have more than 1 wife. All the while women had been forced to stand by and just take it, put up with whatever men wanted to dish out, anything from cheating to beating. It was time we started fighting back, and I had decided that was my calling. I was going to start teaching the entire male gender a lesson, and I was going to start with Bryce.

          

That night there was a knock at my door. There was no doubt in my mind as to who it was… I had taken my phone off the hook and knew Bryce would come knocking when he couldn’t get thru by calling.

I quickly scrubbed at my eyes with my fingers to make sure they were freshly red and swollen, I loosened the belt around my robe that I was intentionally wearing, and glanced to be sure the half empty ice cream carton and spoon were visible on the coffee table. The contents had actually been dumped down the garbage disposal, but Bryce didn’t need to know that. After all, what heartbroken girl doesn’t lie around in her pajamas eating ice cream?

I slowly cracked open the door and answered with a little sniffle to my voice “What do you want?”

“Come on baby, please let me in! Can we please talk about this? Give me a chance to explain!”

“Why should I? I know what I saw; I can’t believe you would do that to me, to us! You can’t even blame it on being drunk, you were at work!”

I wanted to see him grovel and beg before I brought him to his demise.

“I know I made a mistake, I know what I did was wrong, please Megan, let me in, please let’s talk about this.”

I slowly stepped back from the door and let the slimy snake in. The hopeful look in his bright green eyes as I did almost made me have second thoughts about my plans… Almost. I replayed the images from that afternoon in my head and strengthened my resolve.

“What is there to talk about? You cheated, you lied, and you broke my heart… end of story.” I said.

“No Megs, don’t let it be that way!” I cringed at his use of that nickname.

“Please hear me out, I know I don’t deserve it, but please just give me one more chance, please Megan.”

I decided at this point it was time to throw him a little bit of a bone.  I needed to carefully reel him in without seeming to eager or he would realize something was up. Even though his actions hadn’t shown it, Bryce really was a smart guy.

“I’m listening” I said.

The relief on his face was very visible. His forehead smoothed out, his perfectly shaped mouth relaxed a little and the crinkles around his eyes started to even out. Was that a tear I saw shimmering?

“Megan, I swear it has only been that once. She came into my office to discuss her raise. I had refused to give her the amount she wanted, and the next thing I know she was on top of me. I know it was wrong, I know I hurt you and I’m so sorry! I just, I wasn’t thinking and I couldn’t seem to make my body react the way my brain was telling it to! Please, please let’s try to work this out. I don’t want to lose you, I love you!”

I stared at him for a long time. Just stared at the face and listened to the lies as they poured out of his mouth. Then I spun around in a quick motion that I knew would make my brown curls bounce in a way he always seemed to enjoy and with practiced emotion allowed my breath to hitch just a little with a careful half choked sob, “Oh Bryce, I don’t know what to do!” He came up behind me and put his arms around me, and with that; I knew I had him; he could never resist my tears.

See, there are several things that all men have in common. All men want sex, they fall asleep after sex, and when they wake up they are starving. With that being said, I probably didn’t have to put up such an elaborate front, but I wanted to. This was a role, an act, a scene in my life and I wanted to fully play the part. 

The end.

My heart has broken. My relationship with T is over. I didn't want to do it, but it was the right thing to do at this point. We were fighting everyday and just hurting each other more and more. Nothing was getting better, only worse. I don't know what I'm going to do without him, I feel so lost and alone right now... For all of his faults, he is still a good man with a wonderful heart. We just weren't meant to be.

As my world turns, these are the days of my life...

Why is it that just when you think things are getting better and you are on the right track, something always comes along to knock you flat on your ass? 

Things have been slowly but steadily improving with T and I... we still have a long ways to go, but we have been moving forward.

 I have also been making progress financially, getting old medical bills and things paid off, setting up payment plans for others, I had a budget plan in place that would have had me completely debt free by July of next year which is a major accomplishment for me as I have been in debt for 10 years... not with credit cards, just  with unpaid medical expenses and one really stupid mistake when I was 18 involving me getting a cell phone and allowing my brother and a friend to get lines under my plan... Believe me, hard lesson learned there! 

Anyway, things were really starting to look up... Then BAM!

It started when I got a phone call at work from my sons school about 2 1/2 weeks ago telling me that my 8yr old son had brought 3 pocket knives to school and given them to another 3rd grader.... I almost had a heart attack right there. A long story short, it wasnt true. Another student had accused my son to try and keep himself out of trouble. That situation got taken care of, but thanks to my company's retarded attendance policy, me leaving work that day to talk with my sons principal and the police put me in a bad situation and according to them I am not allowed to miss anymore time at all til after Christmas... Yea, right.. thats gonna happen...

Almost as if to prove my point, exactly one week later on Tues I received another phone call from my sons school telling me that I needed to come pick up my son right away. I arrive to find E shaking from head to toe and a fever of 103. Now what do I do? I cant stay home with my sick child for fear of losing my job, I cant take my sick child to daycare... My only other option is to leave my son with T which means that T will not get sleep because he works 3rd shift... (My kids are a touchy subject with us as Im sure they are for anyone in a relationship where there are children that are not biologically their own. T and I are still trying to work out roles and responsibilities when it comes to them, and its a hard road... This situation of course did not help, but we both knew there was  no other option.) So, I leave E with T, and head back to work for my final 3 hours then rush home to pick up my son and make his doctors appt..

Whew! Made it with about 2 minutes to spare, and I have to carry my son in my arms up the elevator because he cant walk. At the appt. I am told E just has a virus and to let it run its course...hmm, ok... 

I have to work the next day, and we have already covered how my employer will handle that... so once again I have to leave E with T. 

When I return home, my son is still running 103 temp, and is now crying in pain and tells me his knee hurts. I try to take a look at it, but as soon as I go to move his leg he screams in pain. To the ER we go! At the ER they x-ray his knee, draw his blood for regular lab work and blood cultures... they tell me his wbc is very low, that he has arthritis in his knee, and that the rest is a virus and to let it run its course, but to follow up with family doctor the next day about his knee. Sigh. 

That brings us to Thursday, and for the 3rd day in a row I have to drag my poor son to a doctors office of one sort or another... But at least I am on my first day of vacation now, so I dont have to worry about displeasing my employer by taking care of my sick child....

At the doctors office I am informed that there is nothing wrong with E's knee, that what the ER doc saw was simply a growth plate.. BUT, the rest of E's blood work has come back and his monocyte levels are extremely high and doctor is fairly certain my son has Mono... WTF? How does an 8yr old get  Mono? So, we are sent to the lab again to do one more blood test just to confirm the mono diagnosis...  On the plus side, E is cleared for vaca travel the next day as he is now past the contagious stage, which makes him VERY happy as it is all he has talked about for the past month and he was sure he wasn't going to get to go because he was sick.

 Late that afternoon I get a phone call from the office... The lab work has confirmed that it is NOT mono... Its just a virus, let it run its course, have a great vacation, the fever should break anytime... 

That night his temp hit 104.4

Friday morning, 1 hour before we are supposed to hit the road... E's temp is down to 99.9, so T and I discuss it and we decided to go after all. The doctor told us his fever should break in 2-3 days and we are at the beginning of day 4... We are sure that the high spike the night before was just the fever peaking before the break.

 The first leg of our vacation is to travel to a car ferry then take the ferry across Lake Michigan over to Wisconsin where we are going to stay with T's family. 

I bet you can't guess what happened right in the middle of the Lake... Yep,... 102.3. 

I give E some Tylenol and T takes him to a quiet room on the boat while I try to keep my 6yr old daughter entertained... Thankfully we had left the baby at home for this trip! 

By the time we dock then take the 20 min car ride from there to T's uncles house E is doing much better and I start to relax a little... Silly me! 

Once we had arrived I made E lay down in the bed turned on some cartoons for him, gave him a dose of Motrin and just kept an eye on him. He was doing well one minute, then about 10 minutes later he is calling for me. I go to him and once again he is burning up, he is crying and screaming that his knee hurts, he is begging me to take him to the hospital and when I look at his knee I can see that it is now swollen. For the 4th day in a row, guess where we now go? We are of course out of state and have no doctors we are familiar with, but we take him to a nearby hospital which just so happens to be one of the top 100 in the nation. The process there was very similar to the one 2 nights previous, x-rays, blood work, blood cultures... and the verdict comes back the same. Its a virus, go home, let it run its course and its probably just an unknown injury to the knee. The only difference was that his wbc count was even lower then it had been before.

We go back to T's uncles house and for the rest of the night and all day Saturday E stays in bed and I alternate the Tylenol and Motrin to keep his fever down and the pain in his knee under control. I let up a little Sat night just to see where the fever stood, but it shot right back up to 103, so I continued to keep him medicated the rest of the night and into Sun morning. 

Early Sunday afternoon I receive a phone call from the ER in Wis... They proceed to tell me that I need to bring E back in right away so they can put him on IV antibiotics. One of his blood cultures came back positive and he has a Staph infection in his blood.

Wait! What happened to the virus that I was letting run its course?! I want that diagnosis back! 

So on Sunday back to the ER we go where they hook my son up to an IV and draw more blood work. Then we are told they wont admit him, but we have to go see their pediatrician the next day before we do anymore travelling. Our original plans had been to head back on the boat Monday afternoon, but we cancelled those reservations and made ones for Tuesday instead. 

On Monday we go to this new doctor who proceeds to tell us that he thinks the Staph diagnosis was wrong, but in all honesty they have no idea what is wrong with my son because his range of symptoms and blood work are all over the place pointing to everything and nothing all at the same time. He decides the safest thing to do is put E-man on an antibiotic that coincides with the IV treatment he got and follow up with our family doctor as soon as we get home. 

By Tuesday morning E is doing much, much better and seems to be himself again as we get on the boat and head home. I make an appt for him for his follow up on Wens which also happens to be my last day of vacation. I figure, this will work out perfectly! E is obviously doing better, the antibiotics are doing their job,  he will get the all clear and be able to go back to school, and I will be able to go back to work right on time! Heh... 

Wens morning I get a phone call... The doctor is sick and they have to reschedule for Thurs. 

That phone call sent T over the edge. The stress of the last week just built up in him and that phone call was the final straw. He threw his phone across the room, yelled about nothing ever going right, threw a few other things then left the house... I have never in all my time with him seen him come even close to any type of violent behavior, and it scared me. I was glad he had left because he obviously needed to cool down... but 7 hours later when he still wasnt home.... He did finally come home, but I got the silent treatment all night. 

That brings us to today... I was able to schedule E's appointment around my lunch hour so there was no missed work time, and as expected he was given the all clear, I just have to take him in next week for one final blood draw just to make sure his system is clear.... 

I am so thankful that after everything he went thru my poor little guy is going to be ok... Its just been a very long stressful couple of weeks, and quite frankly I am terrified of all the medical bills that will start pouring in... 2 out of state ER visits, an out of state doctors office visit, 1 ER visit at home, 3 doctors visits...and all within 1 week.... not to mention the lab work next week. I do have health insurance thru my employer, but they dont exactly have the greatest of  plans, the deductibles are very high, and I have no state aide because I am considering non compliant for protecting my youngest daughter....(but thats a whole other story)

 I just really have no idea what I'm going to do... 

I think I need a vacation.....

Danger = Shattered

    

       Josie over at Two Shoes in Texas has started a new writing game of sorts called Two Shoes Tuesday. The idea is that each Tuesday she will give us a word prompt then everyone who wishes to participate will write a story, poem, etc based off that one word. This week the word prompt was "Danger". 

For me danger can mean all sorts of different things, it can also take form as a dangerous person, or a dangerous place. As I was thinking of what to write for this topic it hit me...

I wrote this poem several years ago and for me this will always be synonymous with the word Danger. It is the word Danger that I teach my daughters to try and protect them from this... it is the word that was screaming in my head but I was powerless to utter. And Danger is also the word that went thru my head as I thought about posting this... Danger because of exposing so much of myself to anyone who may care to read... In the end I have obviously decided to share what "Danger" means to me....

          "Shattered"

In a dark room I was stripped of my pride.

You took from me what I did not want to give.

Now I have to fight on my own.

Fight the feelings of being alone.

Being the only one who knows.

My soul is torn,  My mind is confused.

I am no longer complete because you stole that from me.

Now you laugh behind my back,

Laugh at another conquest you have taken.

I have been stripped of sleep

All i see when I close my eyes is the cold look in yours.

You must have no soul.

I am forced away to a lonely place

You forced me to run away.

Now I live in constant fear

And even the Vicoden cant take away the pain.

My heart crys out silently for release,

Release from the constant darkness that surrounds me.

I struggle to see a light,

But when I reach for it,

My hands are slapped away.

I feel as though I am living in a cruel joke of a world.

In constant terror of meeting another person like you.

Always keeping to myself

Afraid of another intimate moment.

Everytime I feel that I can let it go,

Your face and that dark room creep into my mind.

How can someone care so little about anothers self respect?

You must have none of your own.

How can you sleep at night?

Do my tears and pleas never enter your mind?

How about the fear in my eyes?

It doesnt seem fair that i am the one who continues to suffer.

When I sleep, cold sweats and fear is what awakens me.

I can find no pleasure in life anymore,

Not even in the touch of someone who may truly care.

Every time I look in the mirror I am forced to see the image of a girl

A girl who was not strong enough to win.

Even now that I have run,

I will forever be forced to relive that night. 

Grandmas Shoes

Josie over at Two Shoes in Texas has started a new writing game of sorts called Two Shoes Tuesday. The idea is that each Tuesday she will give us a word prompt then everyone who wishes to participate will write a story, poem, etc based off that one word. This week the word prompt was.... Shoes! Here is my story...


As soon as I saw the word "shoes" the first thought that went thru my head was an image of my 2yr. old daughter sliding her tiny feet into my shoes and smiling in delight as she clomps across the kitchen floor. She likes to wear her big brothers shoes to, but they dont make as much noise as mommy's high heels! I think this must be a right of passage to all kids as I remember my middle daughter doing this, and on a couple occasions my son did as well.
I also have my own memories of doing this as a little girl. I did not wear my moms shoes, I knew better then that, there was not much room for fun at home growing up... But I wore my grandmothers.
I remember going to grandmas house and the first thing I couldnt wait to do was go into her bedroom, open her closet door and rummage around on the floor til I found the pair I wanted. I never chose the same pair, (she had more then enough to choose from) but to me it was the greatest thing in the world to be able to wear grown up shoes. I know that for a lot of little girls the fascination is part to do with the loud noises they can make on hard surfaces, but for me that was never the case... I was only allowed on the carpet!
For me it was more the feeling of being a real grown up lady, sometimes I went to work, sometimes I was on a date, and still others I was just a lady wearing her fancy shoes to do whatever she wanted in!
Not all my memories of my grandmother are very pleasant, grandma is a very mentally ill woman and she goes thru periods of times when she believes that all girls are evil (among lots of other issues) and as for 11 years I was her only granddaughter surrounded  by 9 grandsons, you can imagine who would suffer the most when that would happen. But this memory of grandmas shoes is one I will always hold in my heart. Those memories allow me to remember that deep in her heart she does love me and its only her mental disease that caused her to act the way she did on so many occasions.
 Unfortunately over the years grandma has gotten much worse and to protect my own daughters from being hurt they will never have the experience I did with her. But they have always been able to wear my shoes and they always will.

Lessons Learned....

I had a friend tell me the other day that he wants to slap the shit out of me... That he has been reading my blog and that I am the textbook spokesperson for every battered and cheated on woman. He really got me to thinking... (you know who you are!)
In a way, I think he's right. But I dont see myself leaving this situation. Im just not ready to. There is this big part of me that is telling me this is my last chance... That if this relationship fails, I will not find another I will be able to open my heart to.
(*Mindless rambling and change of topic to follow....*)
It has been very therapeutic and eye opening for me in writing here. It has allowed me in some ways to see myself thru other peoples eyes, to kind of take a step back from my situation and see from another point of view. And I have learned things about myself that I dont think I wanted to know. And apparently things that others didnt want to know either! (although, that is the name of the blog, you cant say you weren't warned...) I have lost some followers over the last month, and I am not ashamed to say it hurt my feelings a little. I know they arent people that I really knew all that well, or at all. But it was flattering to me that someone else was interested in what I had to say, that someone cared about what I had to say... But when you only have 8 followers, and you lose 3 very rapidly, it kind of hurts the ego! Makes me think I might be just as screwed up in the head that I sometimes fear I am! lol...
(*The End*)
Which brings me back to my original point... About how my friend sees my situation...
Like I said, I think he has a valid point. But at the same time, its another very good example of how you can never really know how you will behave or react in any given situation unless you are actually in it yourself. I have stood on the outside countless times and always cried out "why dont you just leave!" And i have actually carried some resentment in my heart towards my mother for never leaving my stepfather and allowing him to treat us the way he did. But I can see now that even though she was wrong, she probably really felt that she was doing the right things for her family.
I feel the same way right now. I am not yet ready to give up on my relationship with T... Not just yet. He is not a mean person or an abusive one,... Just a selfish one. Thinking only of his own wants and desires at times and not stopping to think about how that might hurt the person that truly loves him. But I still think there is hope for us. People make mistakes, and people can change. People can learn... While learning from your mistake the first time you make it is always ideal, we all know that doesnt always happen. How many of us didnt stop speeding the first time we got a speeding ticket? Or have burned our tongues more then once on a hot drink or bowl of soup? Yes, minor things in some ways, but still examples of how every single one of us or at least the majority of us has had to make the same mistake more then once before we learned our lesson.
I guess the question here is who is the one that has a lesson to learn? Myself or T, or maybe both of us?
Only time will tell....

"Afraid"

So, I have been thinking about it and I decided I would start sharing some of my poems on here. I chose this one to share first because I feel it fits in well with what has been going on in my life. I have been sharing some of the issues I have been going thru with T, and the more I shared and the more I thought about it and how I felt, I was reminded if this poem I wrote 10 years ago. Yes, T has made mistakes, who hasnt? But I really think its more of my own insecurities that has made some of things bigger issues then they needed to be. Guess we both have things to work on, huh? :)

          

  “AFRAID”

Another conquest,
Another journey completed,
Another love known, and lost.
When will the insanity end?
When will I be done with the insecurities,
When will I learn to live life?

The hole that I have built continues to grow, 
And I, …I keep falling into that bottomless darkness,
The trap that I have set for myself.

I must enjoy the pain as I seem so willing to inflict it upon myself,
Yet when the tears fall,
I wonder what happened. 
What was wrong with this one?
Why did I not need him in my life?

But, my answer is always the same.
I DID need that Love, that soul,
But I was too afraid to hang on,
To afraid that HE would let go.

So, I continue to press on,
Always looking back,
Always regretting the past, but never changing the course.
I continue to roam,
Hiding like a Rose.

Seeming so beautiful and innocent,
So willing to be tamed.
But beneath all of that, 

Hiding many thorns,
Hiding what soon will be pain.
Many layers of scars,
Many tears unshed is soon what will be found.

And with that touch,
A new layer is formed,
One that will trust for a while,
One that yes, may even love.
But at the first sign of hurt,
Out come the thorns, the fragile insecurities.


I always feel myself to blame,
No matter the reason.
I was not good enough to make it thru,
Let me move on and try again.
Yet it always seems to happen the same way,
Time after time.

Now my time seems to be growing short.
Maybe now I can fill this void.
But, alas, it is not to happen.
I still lose on Love.
Why must I be so afraid to let it all go?
Why do I fear so?

My destiny seems so unclear,
My future so cloudy.
The colors all seem to run together.
What will I make of the rest of my life?
Will any of my dreams come to fruition?
Or am I always going to be,
Alone?

You are a disgusting ball of slime wax...

Who could be heartless enough to steal from a charity?? I have seen news stories about people who do shit like that all the time, but to actually experience it first hand has really made it hit home.
I am not happy about this, and I really hope Karma will get the spineless jack ass who did this.
Is your soul really worth the 15 bucks or so that you got? Did you get a rush out of stealing from the 2yr old with Leukemia? Or how about the single mom fighting breast cancer? Because in essence, that's what you did. You must be oh so big bad and tough to be able to pull something like that off, your mom must be so proud of you, lets hope that she never suffers from cancer because of assholes like you that decided the money went better into your pocket then to the cancer research it was supposed to help fund.
I firmly believe in this cause, that is why I am involved in it, and what you have done has royally pissed me off. You better pray to whatever God you believe in that I don't find out who you are because you will pay a very dear price if I do. I am not threatening physical violence, oh no, that would be to good for the likes of you. No, what I will do is take out a full page ad in the paper with your picture and an explanation of exactly what you did. And I think some posters printed up and plastered all over the town... and that's just the tip of the ice burg. I think forcing you to take a walk thru the pediatric cancer ward would be in order, just so you know exactly who you stole from.
You are the lowest form of slime I can imagine and the thought of you actually makes me want to vomit.

Inner Strength and Magic Wands

It occurs to me that I must have a lot more strength in my soul then I ever imagined possible. And a lot more stupidity as well. The last time T pulled this shit with me, I swore it would be the last. My heart felt as though it was coming out of my chest at the time, and I just knew that I would not be able to survive another heartbreak. Yet, here I sit tonight alive, breathing, and that fragile vessel of a heart is still beating strong. But I am also considering forgiving AGAIN. I don't know why, but there is still this part of me that wants to continue working on our relationship.
I have examined it from all angles I can think of, I have slept for a total of maybe 5 hours in the last 4 days and eaten 2 meals.... I have cried, I have yelled, I have cried, and I have most of all just been thinking. I have been in such a daze that I didnt even remember seeing a friend of mine, let alone talking to her for 20 minutes... But she swears to me I did. Seeing as how I have put in a full shift at work the last 3 days its probably a miracle I haven't done something there to get myself fired... I get into enough trouble without this haze in my brain.
I told T that this would be easier for me to handle if it had been a different woman every time. Not that I would be ok with it, but at least that way I would know that there was no emotional attachment involved, that he wasnt doing something with someone that I had specifically asked him not to do. I told him that every time he snuck (i dont care what you say stupid spell check, I am using snuck as a word! see? i will even do it twice!) behind my back to see her, talk to her or whatever, it was basically like him spitting in my face and saying, "I dont care how you feel. I dont care what this does to you, or how it hurts you. I am going to do what I want, when I want because she is more important to me then you are"
But yet I am still thinking of staying with him.
I have tried and tried to sort out my reasons. Yes, I love him. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone in my life other then my children. There is such good in him, and his capacity for caring about others has me in awe. Until it comes to this one issue. This one problem that seems to be at the root of all of our issues. But is that enough? Is that love really worth the heartache?
What else? Is it the money? He is not rich, but just having someone else here that earns a paycheck and helps pay the monthly bills has been such a relief to me as I have been doing it almost all on my own since my son was born 8 years ago.
I dismissed that idea almost as soon as I thought of it. I know I can take care of myself and my children, I have done it for a long time, I know I dont need his financial help.
So why...? Why am I even considering putting myself thru this? I dont understand. I have this voice screaming inside my head, telling me everything that I already know. That he isnt going to change. That he will never let this woman go. He still swears its no longer a physical relationship, that its just that they have been friends for 20 years and he doesnt want to lose one of the few friends he has....
So then I asked him how he felt about losing his girlfriend instead.... He didnt like that one to much.
Am I that afraid of being alone? I have been alone my entire life, why should that fear cripple me now?
No, I dont think its that either.
And I am back to the love. I love this man. The thought of not being with him anymore hurts more then any pain that he has put me thru, and I think honestly that the pain I have experienced because of his actions stems more from that fear, that he will leave me for her and not from what he has actually done.
Its all so confusing!! I just want to run naked thru the streets screaming until something clicks in my brain and makes sense agian.... Ok, maybe not the naked part, I just threw that in there because the mental image I gave myself with that made me smile and I havent smiled to much in the last few days...
I imagined myself screaming and running naked past my place of employment with a banner streaming behind me saying "This is what working here will do to you!!" and then I pictured the looks on my managers faces....
Wow, random. Maybe I better try and sleep... I have to work in the morning and dont feel like getting arrested for showing up with no pants on or something.
I really want that magic wand. *poof!* everything's all better now....

What the fuck is wrong with me??

How desperate for love and attention am I? Why do I keep allowing him to do this to me? Why do I keep forgiving him for the same thing over and over again? He obviously wants her and not me, so why is he here? He cant give her up no matter how much it hurts me, no matter how much I cry. He keeps claiming nothing physical happened, yet he went to her house and visited with her, and never told me. I found out secondhand 2 weeks later. Today. At work.
But did I come home and throw all his shit out? Did I beat him to a bloody pulp? Nope, not me. What do I do instead? I order pizza for dinner and since I know how much he loves the wings from this particular place, I order him a pound of their BBQ wings.
I am angry, pissed, upset, confused... Yet I feed the man. What the fuck is wrong in my head?? I know beyond all reason that I can never trust him again. That he has lied over and over and over to me... and all about the same woman.
But something inside me keeps forcing me to see the good parts about him. The parts of him that make me candle lit dinners, rubs my feet, makes me laugh, the parts of him that randomly will take one of my kids on an adventure and spend one on one time with each of them, going to a park or out to dinner, or to visit a lighthouse.
Then a month down the road he breaks my heart all over again. I can not fully blame him. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But what does it make you when you let the same person fool you 20 or 30 times? A complete fucking idiot?
I dont understand my head, I dont understand why I am doing this to myself.

The "Truth"

I have been in a really strange place these last few weeks. I am learning more and more about myself and the way my mind works... You would think that at almost 30 years old I would have that figured out by now, huh? But the truth is, I don't know. I know I am paranoid and overly emotional about everything, and I have this extreme fear of abandonment. I could never really figure out why, til I came across this website http://www.hereliesthetruth.com/ . If you go and check this out, (which if for some odd reason you want to know more about how my mind works, I suggest that you do...) You can watch all of the trailers, but number 3 is me. Obviously I don't mean literly as I am not a man, but the words he speaks could be coming straight from my mouth. Only, he said and expressed things that I didn't really understand for myself until I heard someone else saying them, and as he spoke tears started streaming down my face. I identified with all 6 people and the things they said, and every word they spoke is  accurate. I spent 19 years in that religion, so trust me, I know. The sad part is, my head is still so fucked up from things in my past that it is really hard for me to deal with any adversity now.
Ugh! My thoughts are getting all mixed up again and Im starting to not even make sense to myself... I will post this now, and anyone that cares to, go take a look, and we will go from there! Or I may just start another post all together and try to sort more things out in my oh so fucked up head....

Just one of those days...

I have been kind of absent for a while... Well, I have been here, lurking. Reading everything that people have written, I just haven't wanted to write myself.
Which is odd for me, I always write. Writing has always been my escape, my safe place to go. But lately there has just been so much going on in my life I think that quite frankly I didn't want to start for fear I wouldn't be able to stop.
And I know its not just me. Everyone around me seems to be on edge lately with no apparent reason. Maybe everyone is just afraid the world is going to end this year, so everyone just feels stressed out that they are all going to die... Or maybe everyone around me just needs to get laid , or go to a gym and beat on some poor unsuspecting punching bag. Whatever is going on, I just wish it would stop. Everyday I hear someone saying "Its just one of those days for me..." That phrase is really starting to annoy me. I think if I hear someone else say it, I may just go off on them and tell them "Its just one of those lives for me! Quit bitching and move on with your life!"
Although, in reality I am sure I have said that phrase myself a hundred times... I dont know why it bothers me so much now?
I saw something the other day on FB that said "if we all put our problems in a big pile, we would grab back our own as soon as we saw someone else's."...
I think that really hit home for me because I think it is so true.
Yes, I am dealing with a lot of bullshit right now, but who isn't? My issues are all of an emotional nature, either from present issues, or dealing with past bad memories, but the fact remains that I am healthy, I have 3 beautiful and for the most part healthy children. Even though I dont have a relationship to speak of with either one, both of my parents are still alive, my siblings are all alive except for one older brother that died as an infant and I never knew... Yes, there are far worse things in the world I could be dealing with or facing.
Yes, I know... We all have bad days and just want the world to have sympathy for us. Again, that is part of life, part of human nature. And I'm not saying that I will never again utter that phrase that so grates on my nerves right now... But I will say that the next time I am thinking about saying it, I am going to try to remember that somewhere out there someone is having a much worse day then I am and would be only to happy to have their biggest worry be a broken heart or a bad memory.

Jumble of thoughts...

I had someone tell me today that my middle daughter was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. What makes it hurt even more, is that the person who told me that was T. 

Now, I know that what he meant was more of the fact that I should have left my ex after the first pregnancy and the behavior my ex displayed during that, but that is most definitely not the way it came across. 

Now of course this has caused another rift in our relationship and I feel miserable. I am seriously beginning to wonder if we are just to different, have had to much adversity to overcome for our relationship to make it.  

A co worker has just gone thru a break up, one that surprised a lot of us I think, and even though this person is not someone I have ever gotten along with very well, my heart is absolutely breaking for her. She is not exactly a happy or nice person by nature, but now the pain and misery that is so apparent on her face make me just want to reach out to her even though I know that coming from me it wouldn't be welcome. But my heart just aches for her! 

I know it seems that I just switched topics, but I swear these 2 things are connected, at least in my head they are, and since its my blog thats all that matters, right?! 

The way they connect is the fact that this morning when I saw my co worker, tears just sprang to my eyes because of the look in hers. Then I saw myself in her shoes, and I know that if mine and T's relationship does not make it, I will have the same look on my face, and it just made my heart ache for her even more. 

I feel kind of like I am lost in the woods and my trail guide brought me as far in the middle as he could and then took off running and laughing with the only copy of the map. I dont want to lose T, but I am so tired of the fighting. Every time I think we are getting on track and things are finally starting to get better for us, one of us says or does something that upsets the other and it feels like we are back to square one. Me upset that I cant trust him, him upset that I am not an organized neat freak, etc, etc,... 

Excuse me? Can someone please slow down the merry go round? I would like to make my head stop spinning,.... 

Our Story Part 2

So, at the end of my last post I realized I had kind of gotten off track of what I was originally writing about, but since I started the story, I thought maybe I would try and finish it tonight.
My story left off with me living in a 3 bedroom trailer in the middle of no where, with a 4 (almost 5) yr old, and a 3 1/2 yr old, with one on the way. I was working 3rd shift, and I was getting MAYBE 2 hours of sleep a day, if I was lucky. It was some rough, lonely times. After a few months of this T was starting to notice how withdrawn I was getting, how big the circles were under my eyes, and he noticed that I very rarely had a lunch at work, mostly because I couldn't afford it. I was to damn proud to go on state assistance, and of course the kids dad wasn't working, so no child support... (whoops, starting to head off in another direction again!) Anyway, T gave me his phone number and asked me to write mine down, said to text him if I ever needed someone to talk to. He started subtly giving me a lunch every day too,... "hey, I bought to much tonight, here, have some!"  When he found out how little I was sleeping, he suggested that I go out to my car on my lunch hours and nap, and he would call my cell to wake me when it was time. While this was an excellent idea, I was still pretty much scared of my own shadow at the time, and the thought of being alone in a dark parking lot did  not appeal to me. I didnt tell T this, but somehow he seemed to pick up on the fact that I was just scared, so he started a ritual... at least 2 nights a week we would go out for lunch, but he would just drive up and down the highway and let me sleep in his car. I will never forget the first time we did this,... It happened to be a night I was working and he was off, about 5 minutes before lunch time I got a text from him, it said to meet him outside. I was a little confused but curious, so I clocked out and came outside. He had me get in his car, pulled out a blanket from the back seat, handed it to me, and said "Now you can sleep. You will be just like a baby in a car-seat, I drive, you sleep."
We became closer every day, and I started telling him things that no one else knew. We would text all day long, and would talk every chance we got at work. At this point in time it was nothing more then friendship, and it was exactly what I needed. He was there and cared when no one else did.
Then I went on medical leave and had my daughter. T and I still texted, just not nearly as often and I of course wasnt at work so I didnt get to see him there. We both lived about a half hour from work at the time, but in opposite directions, so it wasnt like he could just drop by. I went thru another rough spell after my daughter was born, it brought back alot of things I had tried to bury deep down, esp when she was born looking so much like the jack ass of a sperm donor. It took a while for me to work thru things and to be able to connect with her. I suffered from a pretty bad case of post partum depression. I never wanted to hurt her, I just... I didnt want her. Even saying that now brings tears to my eyes as I cant imagine my life without her in it now, but I do remember what it felt like that first 8 months or so. It was actually T that helped me thru that as well once I got back to work. We picked up where we left off, and he was the only person I felt comfterble enough with to share the truth about my feelings regarding my daughter. He kept telling me that I was ok, that I wasnt a bad mom and it was understandable for me to feel the way I did after what had happened. He also told me that baby girl was here for a reason. That she was special in some way, and it was my job to take care of her to make sure she was able to fufill her reason for being here. Slowly but surely I was finally able to connect with and LOVE my daughter.
Wow... way off track again! I am supposed to be telling you about... wait, what did I start out telling you??
Oh yes! Good day... she texted him,... he told me,... trust issues,...cheating,... Got it!
SO... In March of 2010, T and I began having sex. It was still nothing more then a friendship, now with fringe benifits, and neither of us ever said or pretended it was otherwise. Due to other circumstances in our lives, we knew that we werent going to be a couple, and thats just the way it was. After a few months of this, I found out he was also sleeping with someone else. I wasnt mad, I didnt really have a claim on him, I just felt bad because he had a fwb relationship with this other woman for almost 7 years. If I had known about her, I never would have allowed us to go to that level. So I had a conversation with him about it and I told him if he wanted to keep sleeping with her that was fine with me, but that I was going to end our sexual relationship, I just wasnt into the shareing thing, no hard feelings, we would just go back to being just friends. Told him that it would be the same for me, if I had found someone else I would have ended it just to be fair to everyone involved. He told me that he understood where I was coming from, and he should have told me about this other lady sooner, he just really hadnt thought to much about it. But he said that he enjoyed our time together to much, and he would end it with her instead of with me. I said Cool!
Well, to give you a much shorter version of events (otherwise I will be up all night typing...) over the course of about a year he told me 3 times that he had ended it with her, and 3 times it was a lie. The first time I forgave since we werent really a couple, but then he said he had feelings for me which confused him, etc,... We started actually dateing around oct 2010... In Jan 11, I ended it because I found out by accident yet again that he had slept with this other woman again... he came to me in tears telling me he loved me, to please give him one more chance, he wanted so much to be with me, he knew he had made horrible horrible mistakes, and he was so sorry for hurting me... So, I forgave him. That was the 4th time. I swore it would be the last. The dynamics of our relationship had changed and I told him he needed to change with it. He agreed.
In April he came to me. Told me he hadnt been honest with me. That he had been doing alot of thinking and soul searching, really deciding what it was he wanted in his life, and he knew without a doubt now that it was me he wanted. He wanted us to start our life together, but before that could happen he said he knew he needed to tell me the truth. He told me that he hadnt ended in January as he had promised, that he had been to scared to. He has been friends with this woman for 20 years, and while he did not feel for her the same he felt for me, she was still a friend and he didnt know what to do to end the fwb while still keeping the friend. He told me that he finally ended it about a week before coming to me, and that as he feared she was mad and he was afraid he had lost his friend. But his bigger fear was losing me by finally telling me the truth, but he knew that the truth was going to be his only shot at keeping me.
I was stunned. After all the tears back in Jan, all the heartfelt words, and here was hitting me yet again. Not physically, but the pain in my chest sure felt like a sucker punch. I started crying and threw him out of my house. He texted and called me for the next 3 days, all of which I ignored. I just cried. But thru all of my tears, a realization hit me. All of the previous times I had found out by accident, either thru something he accidently said, or in one instance by recieving a text that was not ment for me.... But this time, this time he had come to me of his own free will to tell me. He willingly and purposely came to me with the truth. The more I thought about it, the more I saw the diffrences between this time and all the rest.
I finally let him come back over to the house, and we talked. We talked for almost 4 hours. I told him at the end of the conversation that if I was really what he wanted in his life he was going to have to prove it. That trust was non exisint in our relationship now, and anytime he went anywhere or did anything, or talked to anyone I was going to have doubts, I told him it was going to be a long hard road to earn even an ounce of trust back. He said he understood, and he was willing to try.
That was almost a year ago,... we have of course had our ups and downs, but we are still working on it. He continues to this day to be my best friend, lover and help mate. And he is trying. He still makes mistakes, but nothing that we havent worked thru, and he has been faithful to me since that day in April. I know you are probably thinking that I am wrong, and after all he did how could I possibly know that? And I will tell you, I know. He lied to me so many times, that I know when he is telling the truth now or trying to hide something. He has had several contacts with her, all of which he at first tried to hide, afraid of my reaction, but very quickly came out with the truth and told me. I have even contacted her myself and had several conversations with her,... foolishly hoping that we could all become friends or at least be civil to each other... but, yea, thats not going to happen... Which in all honesty is not something I can really blame on her, T is the one to blame in how he handled everything, but this is a fact he readilly admitts.
We have come a long way in our relationship, but there is still a ways to go. A lot of hurt and anger to work thru. But we are still working at it, and we are doing it together.
Obviously there is a lot more to my story, but I think this is more then enough for now! I think I have given enough back story that the next time I start talking about something, you might understand a little better of what Im trying to talk about... That is if you are still around after reading this novel!
Im thinking of selling my life story to someone from Days of our Lives...
(now to hit publish without re reading what I wrote, or even spell checking for fear I will lose my nerve!)

Our Story Part 1

We had a good day yesterday! That is quite remarkable given what happened first thing in the morning... SHE sent him a text yesterday. But what made it a good day is the fact that as soon as he recieved that text he told me about it, and he didnt reply to her. How do I know? Because he promised me he wouldnt.... Well, that and the fact that last night I couldnt help myself and found myself looking thru his phone while he was in the shower.... (this is the last time, really!)
The fact that he actually told me immediatley about it is a huge step. In the past he has always tried to hide it when they have had contact, which he says he does because he doesnt want to hurt me. That the sexual part of their relationship is over, but they have been friends for so long and he just didnt want to cut that tie...
Maybe I should give a touch more background?
Our relationship started a little over 2 years ago, we had been friends for about 7 years, not close friends, but we did talk and have lunch together every now and then. It was while I was pregnant with my youngest that T and I got closer. It was the lowest most lonely point I have ever been. I was literlly living in the middle of no where, starting over yet again and completely alone other then my children. My childrens father had moved out of state for a job, and since mine easily transferred, even though we were no longer together, I moved as well so that our kids had both of us. We lived out there for a year, and I was starting to build a new life for myself, met new people, made friends, even got a boyfriend. For the first time that I could remember I was happy. Til one day my kids dad walked off his job. He was a manager at the farm he was working at, and just up and quit. He took our children that weekend back to our home state to visit his parents, and I figured that he just needed a mini vacation and when they came back he would either go back to his job or hit the pavement and find a new one. Looking back, I wonder how I could have been so blind....
I got the phone call 3 days after they had left. He told me he was moving back in with his parents, and he was not bringing the kids back. My heart sunk.
I dont think I can describe the mix of emotions and fear that went thru my body. I was about 4 months pregnant with my daughter, and was still dealing with the situatution surrounding her conception. At that time I was looking into giving her up for adoption as I didnt think I would be able to raise her and look at her, every day being reminded of what had happened...
My doctor, my friends, my boyfriend.... everything I was building was there in Wis,... and my children were in another state. Now, I had 2 choices. Stay where I was and put my children thru and interstate custody battle, or move back. The paternity papers their dad signed when each of them were born gave me physical custody in our home state, so the choice was basically made for me... no one was going to keep my kids from me, so I left everything else behind and came after them. I know thats what he wanted. He couldnt stand the fact that I was happy and moving on with my life, and farther and farther away from him, so he did what he could do to upset that balance I had found. Even knowing what he was doing didnt help me do anything to stop it. I had so much going on at that time I just didnt have anything left to fight with. And even if I did, I just didnt feel that what it would have put my kids thru was worth it.
Within a week I packed up my house, transferred my job back and found a cheap 3 bedroom trailer that I was able to move into right away, and I got my kids.
The only position available for my transfer back was a 3rd shift job. So, I was a pregnant single mom, working a full time job at night. I didnt sleep, didnt have friends, didnt go anywhere or do anything other then work and take care of my kids. When I say I was at the lowest most lonely point in my life, I wasnt kidding. I went from my highest high, to my lowest low in a matter of weeks.

Wow... I went a lot farther back then I intended and have totally lost what I first started talking about...

Let me regroup my thoughts and come back tomorrow!

I'm back!

I havent been around in a few days, my 2yr old daughter was pretty sick. Thankfully she is on the mend now, and I am back to torture you with more of the rambling thoughts that are ever present in my mind! :)
Not surprisingly my most recent thoughts are revolving around kids, and how nothing else seems to matter when they are sick. For instance, my daughter will be perfectly fine, but we spent a few worried days not knowing what was wrong with her. She was running 103, 104 temps with no apparent reason. No coughing, no puking... she was still eating and drinking, just slightly less then normal. Her ears didnt hurt, her throat didn hurt... Her only symptoms were that high fever and her constant crankiness, which who could blame her for that?! 
The thing is, that thru all of this the man in my life and myself stopped fighting with each other. We stopped worrying about all the little day to day things that arent really important, and banded together to take care of my daughter. I talked a little bit about my daughters paternity in one of my previous posts (I dont know how to link things yet, but the name of it is Judgemental people suck) so anyone who read that is aware that my guy is not her biological father... But he sure acted like a dad to her. He took turns with me rocking her, getting cool washcloths for her forehead and under her arms, helped give her medicine, and stayed up with her allowing me to catch a couple hours of sleep when I was about ready to drop from exhaustion.
Its amazing what we can accomplish when we work together instead of against each other...
People have asked me why on earth I stay with a man who repeatedly cheated on me. These last few days are just one more example as to why. When I needed him most, he was there. When it comes to the important things in life I can count on him, on more then one occasion he has been my strength when I had  none left of my own. All the fear and trust issues aside, he has proven time and time again that I can rely on him to be here and help me face whatever struggle I may be going thru. To someone such as me who has never had that in her life, it is somehthing very important.
In fact, I think I just surprised myself with my own revelation. Its amazing how when you start writing, words come out that you werent expecting, realizations that were right there at the tip of  your consciousness and just needed you to sit down and focus long enough for them to come out...
I think I need to go tell someone how much I love and appreciate him....

I think I may be a certifiable mental patient...

So, apperently I am an insecurity and abandonment issues. Great, as if I didnt have enough emotional stress in my life! Although, I have to say that knowing this issues and having a clear set plan to face this is somewhat of a relief.
As I mentioned in my first post, I know I am an overly emotionl person. I literlly feel other peoples emotional pain, and I will cry with them or for them even if their situation has no effect or meaning in my personal life. But the insecurtity and abandonment issues are deeper and more involved then that.
Even though I run high on the emotion scale, it never goes down deep. I am afraid to let anyone to close or know to much about the real me. If I did, they would just end up leaving and leaving a bigger hole in my heart then was already there, right?
I dont know,... Maybe this stems from the fact that growing up I was never allowed to have friends. I was pulled out of school at 8yrs old by my stepfather, and he kept my 2 brothers and I at home to "homeschool" us. But his idea of homeschooling was basically just to keep us at home and keep us locked inside. We lived in a house that had almost an acre of fenced in backyard, but we still had to have his permission to go outside and play. The answer was almost always no, and when he did say yes, it was usually only for about 15 minutes before we had to come right back in. Well, thats true for my older brother and I. It was different for my little brother who was my stepfathers biological son. He pretty much got to do whatever and go wherever he wanted.
My point is, he never let anyone get close to anyone in our little dysfunctional family unless it was his own friends. I think he was afraid that if we had friends, we would talk to them and tell them the horrible things that happened to us. He was a very mentally abusive man and made sure that my brother and I knew we werent good for anything, that we were stupid, fat, etc... that we must have been bad kids because otherwise our Dad would have stuck around, but he only came around a couple times a year, so that should tell us something, right?
Maybe it wasnt all of that (and more).... Maybe its the fact that when I was 11 my dads best friend molested me,... and my dad remains friends with that man to this day. Said his friend has emotional problems and he needs to stand by him.... Hah!
Or maybe my issues came into play after my very failed relationship with my kids father?
Does anyone else see a pattern here? It just feels like everytime I pick myself up and say, "ouch, that hurt... but surely the next time someone will be there to break my fall"... it just hurts more the next time.
But, I dont like feeling that way. I dont like always sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to be happy. I want to show a good example to my children of a happy mom, not like what I saw growing up. I want to fix things and become a better stronger person for my experiences and not feel like a failure because of  them.
I know have 4 followers on here, and I have to say that actually has given me a little ego boost! i never expected to get 1, let alone 4! But I thought, if i can openly admit my mental anguish and issues to 4 people (even if it is under the blanket of anonymity) that would be a big step in the right direction for me. Although, I have to say that when I sat down to write tonight, this is definitely not what I had in mind... I had planned on telling another story about my son... But all of these words came pouring out instead. I guess I needed to vent or something tonight...
Now I think I will hit publish before I chicken out and delete everything instead.....

7yr old Logic

I told my son that every time he misbehaves or doesnt listen to me, I get another gray hair on my head. It amuses me that he actually believes that... Let me assure you that if this were true, my entire head would be solid white by now!
My son is 7, and is by far  the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life. Whoever said boys are easier lied! LOL The other thing that works against me when it comes to him is that he is incredably smart. Now I know that all parents think that their children are the smartest, cutest, and best behaved child out there... But when I say E is smart, I mean he is really smart! His principal wants to send him in for academic testing just to see what his IQ is. This childs brain never stops, and he is as stubborn as I am which is a very bad combination. No matter the topic he "knows" the answers,..even when he really doesnt, he has an agrument for absolutely everything, and he has this insane sense of logic that when he spells it out for you actually makes sense.
For a school project the kids all made "wanted" posters of themselves, and they had to write what they were wanted for and how much thier bounty was... Now most children wrote things such as "John is wanted for not picking up his toys. Reward $500" or "Jennifer is wanted for talking back to her mother. Reward is $25". Then we get to my sons... his reads "57 year old Hillbilly E. is wanted for killing the government and the reward is $1,000,000,000,000" sigh. Just warms your heart, doesnt it? And the funny thing was, he had a perfectly logical explaination as to why he wrote this, which he happily explained to his principal and myself when we met... E had overheard the teacher giving students ideas as to what they might be wanted for, saying it could be something real such as not listening, or it could be something fake such as being a spy for the government. E decided that since it was a Wild West theme for his school, and most cowboys shoot things, instead of spying for the goverment he was going to be a cowboy and kill the government, and since the government is really important the reward should be really high, and since E isnt a "good cowboy name" he needed to change it, but wanted to make sure people still knew who he was, so Hillbilly E was the solution to that! All makes sense, right?
Yesterday the man in my life took my son for a walk for some male bonding time. When they got back, I was told that E had something to tell me. He proceeds to tell me how they were throwing rocks and sticks into the river down at the bridge when he decided he wanted to see the stick flow out on the other side and took off running across a 2 lane highway without ever looking. Being as this is a VERY busy road we are talking about E was very lucky not to be hit by any vehicles. We decided the best course of action with him was to make him think about the consequences, and make him think about the things he would miss in life if he had been hit by a car. My wonderful son thinks for a full 10 minutes about this, then looks at me and says.... "Mom, I have been thinking about my actions and I realize that it wasnt smart of me and my brain must have taken a vacation. If a car had hit me when I did that, I probably wouldnt have survived and I never would have been able to look at your beautiful face again." Did I mention how much I love my son?
 How is it that a 7 year old knows how to get out of trouble in a way that grown men cant seem to figure out? :)

The Lonely Bed

You know you are both to damn stubborn when you both end up sleeping on various piece's of furniture in the living room, while a perfectly good bed remains empty in your bedroom upstairs.
After our big romantic weekend away that started horribly, then turned out okay, today has almost been like we are perfect strangers. We had sex 5 times in less then 24 hours, yet less then 12 hours later we started fighting and haven't stopped. Now he is curled up on the recliner, I am on the love seat, and we are both playing the martyr and insisting the other use the bed.
Why are we doing this to ourselves?! I have  spent more of the day crying then anything else and that was mostly because he was gone for the entire day with me having no real idea where he was. But the distance sure didn't stop the fight. Oh no, we managed to keep that going nice and strong via over 500 text messages today. I keep telling myself that in a way its a good thing, that we both obviously still care otherwise why would we be fighting like this? But even I'm not believing myself anymore.
We have been to hell and back in our 2 years together. And back again. He was there when my house burned down and all my worldly possessions were gone. I was there for him when he was in panic mode because the girl he cheated on me with thought she was pregnant (yes, fucked up I know, but everybody does stupid things). He was my shoulder when I had to travel out of state during custody issues with my baby, he even came with me to those court hearings and helped me every step of the way until it was over.... And those are just a few examples. So why do we as a couple who have been thru so much together now have the problems we seem to be having lately?
All I know is that I do love this man very much and I know what a wonderful heart he has inside him... And I am so tired of hurting all the time.
Yet, here we are, neither willing to sleep in the bed alone, yet not quite willing to share it with the other either.
And that is a very lonely place to be indeed.