Sunday, June 17, 2012

Inner Strength and Magic Wands

It occurs to me that I must have a lot more strength in my soul then I ever imagined possible. And a lot more stupidity as well. The last time T pulled this shit with me, I swore it would be the last. My heart felt as though it was coming out of my chest at the time, and I just knew that I would not be able to survive another heartbreak. Yet, here I sit tonight alive, breathing, and that fragile vessel of a heart is still beating strong. But I am also considering forgiving AGAIN. I don't know why, but there is still this part of me that wants to continue working on our relationship.
I have examined it from all angles I can think of, I have slept for a total of maybe 5 hours in the last 4 days and eaten 2 meals.... I have cried, I have yelled, I have cried, and I have most of all just been thinking. I have been in such a daze that I didnt even remember seeing a friend of mine, let alone talking to her for 20 minutes... But she swears to me I did. Seeing as how I have put in a full shift at work the last 3 days its probably a miracle I haven't done something there to get myself fired... I get into enough trouble without this haze in my brain.
I told T that this would be easier for me to handle if it had been a different woman every time. Not that I would be ok with it, but at least that way I would know that there was no emotional attachment involved, that he wasnt doing something with someone that I had specifically asked him not to do. I told him that every time he snuck (i dont care what you say stupid spell check, I am using snuck as a word! see? i will even do it twice!) behind my back to see her, talk to her or whatever, it was basically like him spitting in my face and saying, "I dont care how you feel. I dont care what this does to you, or how it hurts you. I am going to do what I want, when I want because she is more important to me then you are"
But yet I am still thinking of staying with him.
I have tried and tried to sort out my reasons. Yes, I love him. I love him more then I have ever loved anyone in my life other then my children. There is such good in him, and his capacity for caring about others has me in awe. Until it comes to this one issue. This one problem that seems to be at the root of all of our issues. But is that enough? Is that love really worth the heartache?
What else? Is it the money? He is not rich, but just having someone else here that earns a paycheck and helps pay the monthly bills has been such a relief to me as I have been doing it almost all on my own since my son was born 8 years ago.
I dismissed that idea almost as soon as I thought of it. I know I can take care of myself and my children, I have done it for a long time, I know I dont need his financial help.
So why...? Why am I even considering putting myself thru this? I dont understand. I have this voice screaming inside my head, telling me everything that I already know. That he isnt going to change. That he will never let this woman go. He still swears its no longer a physical relationship, that its just that they have been friends for 20 years and he doesnt want to lose one of the few friends he has....
So then I asked him how he felt about losing his girlfriend instead.... He didnt like that one to much.
Am I that afraid of being alone? I have been alone my entire life, why should that fear cripple me now?
No, I dont think its that either.
And I am back to the love. I love this man. The thought of not being with him anymore hurts more then any pain that he has put me thru, and I think honestly that the pain I have experienced because of his actions stems more from that fear, that he will leave me for her and not from what he has actually done.
Its all so confusing!! I just want to run naked thru the streets screaming until something clicks in my brain and makes sense agian.... Ok, maybe not the naked part, I just threw that in there because the mental image I gave myself with that made me smile and I havent smiled to much in the last few days...
I imagined myself screaming and running naked past my place of employment with a banner streaming behind me saying "This is what working here will do to you!!" and then I pictured the looks on my managers faces....
Wow, random. Maybe I better try and sleep... I have to work in the morning and dont feel like getting arrested for showing up with no pants on or something.
I really want that magic wand. *poof!* everything's all better now....

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