I had a friend tell me the other day that he wants to slap the shit out of me... That he has been reading my blog and that I am the textbook spokesperson for every battered and cheated on woman. He really got me to thinking... (you know who you are!)
In a way, I think he's right. But I dont see myself leaving this situation. Im just not ready to. There is this big part of me that is telling me this is my last chance... That if this relationship fails, I will not find another I will be able to open my heart to.
(*Mindless rambling and change of topic to follow....*)
It has been very therapeutic and eye opening for me in writing here. It has allowed me in some ways to see myself thru other peoples eyes, to kind of take a step back from my situation and see from another point of view. And I have learned things about myself that I dont think I wanted to know. And apparently things that others didnt want to know either! (although, that is the name of the blog, you cant say you weren't warned...) I have lost some followers over the last month, and I am not ashamed to say it hurt my feelings a little. I know they arent people that I really knew all that well, or at all. But it was flattering to me that someone else was interested in what I had to say, that someone cared about what I had to say... But when you only have 8 followers, and you lose 3 very rapidly, it kind of hurts the ego! Makes me think I might be just as screwed up in the head that I sometimes fear I am! lol...
Which brings me back to my original point... About how my friend sees my situation...
Like I said, I think he has a valid point. But at the same time, its another very good example of how you can never really know how you will behave or react in any given situation unless you are actually in it yourself. I have stood on the outside countless times and always cried out "why dont you just leave!" And i have actually carried some resentment in my heart towards my mother for never leaving my stepfather and allowing him to treat us the way he did. But I can see now that even though she was wrong, she probably really felt that she was doing the right things for her family.
I feel the same way right now. I am not yet ready to give up on my relationship with T... Not just yet. He is not a mean person or an abusive one,... Just a selfish one. Thinking only of his own wants and desires at times and not stopping to think about how that might hurt the person that truly loves him. But I still think there is hope for us. People make mistakes, and people can change. People can learn... While learning from your mistake the first time you make it is always ideal, we all know that doesnt always happen. How many of us didnt stop speeding the first time we got a speeding ticket? Or have burned our tongues more then once on a hot drink or bowl of soup? Yes, minor things in some ways, but still examples of how every single one of us or at least the majority of us has had to make the same mistake more then once before we learned our lesson.
I guess the question here is who is the one that has a lesson to learn? Myself or T, or maybe both of us?
Only time will tell....