Monday, April 2, 2012

Jumble of thoughts...

I had someone tell me today that my middle daughter was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. What makes it hurt even more, is that the person who told me that was T. 
Now, I know that what he meant was more of the fact that I should have left my ex after the first pregnancy and the behavior my ex displayed during that, but that is most definitely not the way it came across. 
Now of course this has caused another rift in our relationship and I feel miserable. I am seriously beginning to wonder if we are just to different, have had to much adversity to overcome for our relationship to make it.  
A co worker has just gone thru a break up, one that surprised a lot of us I think, and even though this person is not someone I have ever gotten along with very well, my heart is absolutely breaking for her. She is not exactly a happy or nice person by nature, but now the pain and misery that is so apparent on her face make me just want to reach out to her even though I know that coming from me it wouldn't be welcome. But my heart just aches for her! 
I know it seems that I just switched topics, but I swear these 2 things are connected, at least in my head they are, and since its my blog thats all that matters, right?! 
The way they connect is the fact that this morning when I saw my co worker, tears just sprang to my eyes because of the look in hers. Then I saw myself in her shoes, and I know that if mine and T's relationship does not make it, I will have the same look on my face, and it just made my heart ache for her even more. 
I feel kind of like I am lost in the woods and my trail guide brought me as far in the middle as he could and then took off running and laughing with the only copy of the map. I dont want to lose T, but I am so tired of the fighting. Every time I think we are getting on track and things are finally starting to get better for us, one of us says or does something that upsets the other and it feels like we are back to square one. Me upset that I cant trust him, him upset that I am not an organized neat freak, etc, etc,... 
Excuse me? Can someone please slow down the merry go round? I would like to make my head stop spinning,.... 

10 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Love only works if both people want it to work. Cheating, lying, and hurtful words can all be overcome if both people truly want to be together.

    But that's a huge if.

    Far too often people try to force it. I can't say if you are forcing it or not, only you know that.

    You need to have an honest, really honest, conversation with yourself. And then, you need to have a really honest conversation with him.

    If you agree that this is something you both really want, great. If not, all you are doing is delaying the inevitable.

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  3. This is only my opinion but - T had no right to say anything about your children. Ever. It's crossing a major boundary as far as I'm concerned. The circumstances of when you had them is not the issue, they are yours. That should be all that matters.

    You may need to close your eyes and think if T makes you laugh, warms your heart, lifts you up when you feel down, supports you emotionally, makes you feel good about yourself and genuinely makes you happy like he did when you first met.

    You deserve happiness.

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  4. Reading this hurt my heart for you, the one boundary everyone knows better than crossing, or should, is to come between a mother and her child - even if in the form of negative comments. If someone loves you they don't intentionally say things they know will hurt you. It really doesn't matter how, why or when your daughter was created, the fact is that she is here and you love her more than life itself. Reading this makes me wonder if T's negativity about her reflects in his relationship with her. This subject is painfully familiar to me, as my second husband was not a good step-father to my daughter, in fact the emotional harm done has left life-long scars. I deeply regret ever having married him because of that, and I should have seen the warning signs. As I said, love doesn't say unkind things. HUGS to you. Are you up for a round of One Question Wednesday? Drop by my place and leave a question if you are. I promise an easy one! :-)

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    1. I can honestly say that he does not show any negative feelings towards her at all. In fact, just the other night she woke up with bad dreams and a toothache, he got up and took care of her and told me to lay back down since I had to get up very early the next morning for work. She told me the next morning on the way to day care that it was so nice of T to take care of her and help the bad dream go away... He spends one on one time with each of my kids, and they love it when he sits down and plays Go Fish or Crazy 8's with the older 2. I have absolutely no complaints when it comes to the way he treats my kids, and believe me I watch carefully. I had a horrible stepfather, and that is one thing I absolutely will not tolerate, I dont ever want my children to experience the things I did growing up.

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    2. I was glad to read this! I wish my daughter's step father would have tried harder. He added more pain and sadness to an already very difficult situation.

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  5. This is where the Protective mother Puma comes roaring out of me! Your middle daughter a mistake? That's wrong. Feeling your pain tonight and hoping your jumbled thoughts take shape and speak to you.

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  6. Hi! Here's your question for One Question Wednesday... What is the happiest time you've spent with each of your children, and what things have you learned from having them in your life? :-)

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    1. Hmmm.... Each of my children? and what I've learned...? I'snt that like 4 questions??? lol

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    2. Hehehe, well, it might be, depends on how you count it... I only used one question mark see! :-)))

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